Betty Breakdown

Ever had to deal with people? I have. And do. Not often. But one of those people is named Betty.

Betty Breakdown. As they call her.

They made a jingle:

When you hear whining down the halls,
It's Betty Breakdown's wa'try falls!
When you hear sobbing and wish it'd stop,
It's Betty Breakdown - go get a mop!
When you get the feelin' you're being watched
Turn to see those cheeks all teary an' blotched
When you walk faster but a little too laaate...
It's Betty Breakdown! (someone at this point begins a mocking sob)

People apparently don't get any nicer with age. You should see the jingles they made for Patrick the Annoyingly Faced Irishman. Actually, they didn't make any for him, sorry. By the time they say his name it's time for the next part of that verse. Example:

Patrick the Annoyingly Faced Irishman is,
Patrick the Annoyingly Faced Irishman to,
Patrick the Annoyingly Faced Irishman faced,

See? There's only room for one more word after his name. Betty Breakdown is much easier. Anyways, yes, Betty. I've been told by the resident Kev Guard (or 'person that tells Kev things he just can't grasp') that I'm a good target.

Kev. A shoulder to cry on.


I hear her approach. Tap, tap...slower taps. Silenced shuffling.


Sniffling. A knock. My door's open. The knock wasn't necessary.

"Mr. Kev?" she says. I'm twice her junior. No idea why she calls me "Mr." I look up from my keyboard. They're really nice keyboards, but I'm used to laptop keyboards and for a while I'll need to hunt and peck. I'm averaging two words a minute. Long words.

"Mrs. Breakdo- Agh! I mean, Mrs. Betty!" I say.

It's too late. She's sobbing, eyes halfway closed, unfocused and spewing tears. Mumbling. Mumbling something. Maybe an ancient curse, I think. Hopefully. No, darn it...just sob-speak.

She pulls up a chair. I hastily stow any vulnerable items; papers, my laptop, the desktop's tower and monitor, the keyboard and mouse...my voice recorder which I keep in a pocket...

Nothing is holy to Mrs. Breakdown. Not even pockets with sensitive electronics in them.


The best defense you have for Betty is to put your hands on her shoulders and try to hold her back. She fights like a drunken, angry bear, however, and is known to angle her head backward so that tears gather in her eye sockets. This allows her to fling her head forward and drench you with the "stored" water.

Betty...


Yeah...I think I'll keep my door closed from now on. Or invest in a stun gun.

Kzzapow.