Where Have All The Moon Pies Gone?

A time ago, at least 9 years, I went with my dad to get a copy of The Sims. I was confused; I thought that you actually went and worked a job with your Sims, i.e., you got to seek revenge on your enemies as a corrupt cop or choose choice houses to ransack as a thief. I wasn't much into peaceable living when I was 10.

Turns out, The Sims doesn't allow you to micromanage your career. No virtual thieving for Kev. I had no idea Grand Theft Auto was around.

(Choose and choice. That's pretty neat.)

Anyway, on our way to get that game, we stopped by a certain store and got a Moon Pie.

Now, I hate Moon Pies.

But I'm a very nostalgic person. I like memories. I dislike memories. Memories can move me, memories can...cause me to...rebel against them. I'm trying to be prosaic, here.

Oh my goodness! Prosaic is a word! I had no idea! I meant to write prose, but I wrote prosaic. I'm so smart, it hurts. No prosastic, procrastic, or prosarositarious for me. I'm a genius.

...problem is, prose is the exact opposite of what I meant. Isn't the irony ironic? I'm getting distracted. Yes, it seems that the Moon Pies have disappeared. It's been many moons since I've had a Moon Pie, but I quite remember seeing them as recently as a year ago. I always think, "Wow, Moon Pies are not good."


For some reason, God only remembers as I forgot, my nostalgia was engaged for Moon Pies. Maybe it's the long, forgotten blond hair, or the orange, gray-black-green suit, or perhaps the gnawing guilt. Definitely the suit. That suit is awesome. And adaptable. And stretchy. But in a rigid sort of way.

I think, or it seems, that I liken Moon Pies to working with a fine woman; you hate her, but she's kind of alright. So I told my driver, "Driver, drive me to the finest establishment I know of to purchase Moon Pies from. The ol' Circle K on the corner."

To my astonishment, shock, and horror, no Moon Pies. Maybe it's the name I like. Moon Pies. It reminds me of the armorsuit.

Then, no Moon Pies at 7-11. No Moon Pies at FR. No Moon Pies at the post office. I even asked! They said they could receive a package of them if I ordered them. Hah hah laugh.


I managed to find an off-brand (Little Betty) at a Fry's. No idea where the Moon Pies have gone, but the off brand will do. They're still gross.

But they're kind of alright.

Not The Death Game

I've been playing the death game lately. I know I shouldn't. It's too nerve-wracking. Most of you see the death game as Russian Roulette, I suppose. I don't call it that.


I call it Metroid Prime: Hunters. It's a very lonely game. I think that's because it's on the Nintendo DS; most games on that system are lonely. I think it's because my DS is onyx black, and I play it in the dark, and it's really solitude evoking. Metroid itself is lonely, then when you add the floating nothingness that a black DS and a dark room provide...well, you're a spaceman.

I say it's nerve-wracking because Samus dies a lot. You can fall to your doom off of cliffs, or get crushed to death by pistons that, in the console games, wouldn't have caused death.

I call it the death game because I was playing it when I got the news of my great grandmother's death. She was 93. I don't remember much about her, but I do remember the day she died. It was her birthday. They (my mom, dad and some family) had pizza and cake. It was a comparatively late night. Then I got the call. "She died as soon as we left!" Thus, as I was playing Metroid Prime: Hunters when she died, I call it the death game. And not only so, but we have a pair of Death Bears, too, because they were a gift to her on the day she died. Since she died while she was alone, we think that the bears strangled her. Shhhh.


I digress. (I have to do that a lot, don't I?) I'm not sure which videogame to play now that I've finished Metroid Prime. It is either Conflict: Desert Storm, Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow, Super Mario Sunshine, or a Paper Mario title, either the original or TTYD.

Since I don't feel like directing a senseless squad, Conflict: Desert Storm is out. And since I don't feel like playing a game that doesn't allow you to listen to sermons while you play, Splinter Cell: PT is out. I have gotten enough of Delfino Plaza via SSBB. That leaves it to a Paper Mario.


It's a tough choice. I am in a strait. I can go for the simplicity of the original, or the complexity of the second. Hm. Goombario, or ponytail girl. Fan-smack, or Vivian. Awesome train ride, or goofy desert train ride.

It's a decision made harder in that they're both played via Wii with a Gamecube paddle. Let's see...oh...drat it all. The original will take less time, and the second will take a lot more time. The second has that island "level" that I hate, but so does the original. Argh! The second has a detective mystery, a championship wrestling parody, a mob underground...

The first has a better haunted house level, and the awesome Shy Guy level...and short-stop the egg-baby...OK, it's almost winter. The original PM should be played in winter. Thusforthtoherefortotheretothenfortothere (or any combination thereof), Paper Mario 2: The Thousand-Year Door it is!


I find my selection process very interesting. And this is a fine example of a near-gibberish post.

Kev VS Jalapeno

I love that word. Jalapeno. Jalapeno, Cayenne, Tabasco, Habanero, Serrano. I might explain that to you sometime.


Regardless, do you remember my trip to California? Well, we went by this one place that was basically a ...well, I'm not sure what it was. It was lighted with red light...and there were pictures all over...and half-naked statues, and racecar seats for the shortstops. Yeah, it was basically a strip club, but without the strippers.

I ordered the Reuben sandwich. Best Reuben sandwich ever. I loved that sandwich. I wish I hadn't eaten it. We could have eloped. Started a life all our own away from the prejudices of commonfolk. We could have escaped to the mountains and lived off of the innards of bears and eaten honey, as I would become a hunter-gatherer immune to bee stings as my wife stayed home and cared for our children, Swiss and Corny.

Anyways, after the meal, I decided to eat the lemon quarter in my drink. I had um, vodka, with a twist of helluciny, which is basically powdered sugar, but red. Yeah. I'm a man. I didn't have Sprite. Regardless, it was the first lemon peel I've ever eaten, and it tasted OK. Everyone was perplexed. For a minute, I thought they thought I was Mikey. I wondered if they would bring me a bowl of Life cereal next.

Of course, I then asked what I was supposed to do with the parsley. I guess it is supposed to help your breath, but I didn't know that at the time. "You put it behind your ear (if you're a girl)," Manny said. So I did. I wore it for several hours, making my first impressions upon myriad saints, until I realized what it must have looked like. The catch? She didn't speak the (if you're a girl) part. I need to learn to read minds.


Yesterday, I had a similar experience with eating new cuisine. Me, my dad, The Hitman, and The Raw Justice walked into a bar. (OK, it wasn't a bar, it was a Mexican restaurant.) I went to hunt the claw machine (and I lost), thus my dad had to get the assorted spicy things for both of us.

When I returned, and after we ate, I discovered that my dad had picked up two jalapenos.


"Why did you get those?" I asked. "I got them for you," he said. I said, "Oh." I then did something I didn't quite think I would do. I think I was lost in a perplexing timeshaft of nostalgia, because I picked up the jalapeno, and I promptly bit the jalapeno from its stem.


I chewed. It wasn't so bad. The texture was weird, but I was so worried about the pain that would follow, I didn't care. I know how these work: they're OK at first so you eat them, but then they kill you. I guess it wasn't very hot.


They couldn't believe it. I think their feelings were hurt, actually, because I didn't scream or anything. My eyes watered a bit, but I was OK. Then I began sweating for a few minutes, but then I stopped. Overall, not very hot. I think if they could have, they would have shot me in the shoulder, just to satisfy their desire to see me in pain. If Kile II was there, I know he would have. Or stabbed me, or hit me with his truck. He loves my suffering.


In related news...my new goal is to eat a habanero pepper.

Yep...I'll let you know when I'm at that point, humble fools. I'll even voice-record my first attempt. How does that sound? I don't like it, either.

Bowser: certified Drama Queen - - - - Super Mario 64

Warning: mild spoilers follow.

I began playing Super Mario 64 several days ago (via Virtual Console), and I hate to admit it, because I'm oh-so-modest, but I pretty much mercilessly beat that game. I've played it before a few times, like most games, and it's simple to remember what to do. The enemies had no idea what hit them. Always fun to go through a childhood game.

I must say, the pure structural ingenuity of the levels (and therefore the puzzles) is astounding. I'm no foaming-at-the-mouth SM64 fan, but even though I knew most of the solutions, they were still awe-inspiring in their simplicity and complexity. Sort of like Metroid puzzles. I would have loved to go through the game with no prior knowledge. It's great- especially the use of wall jumps and the necessity to be inventive. The physics and controls and even camera are imperfect and can be frustrating, but they seem better for it. Really, I have no great biased attachment to the game.

I got 119 of the 120 stars with no help, then resorted to my handy-dandy Survival Guide. It's like, the only survival guide I've ever used. Super Mario 64 whupped me good when I was younger. It actually arrived at our house (when I was young) while I was at the dentists. My brother proceeded to precede me in having the snot slapped out of him. (At that point, about 11 years ago, when I was younger, not today.)

The star I missed (we're back in the current day, humble fools) was the second star on Peach's Secret Slide, the one where you have to race to the end within 20 seconds. I may have never discovered that, so I'm glad I swallowed my pride and looked it up. I knew it was a Castle Secret Star, but I just had no idea where to look, having examined the entire castle twice.


Meanwhile, Bowser was plotting whatever he was plotting. He's creepy in SM64. He is like a rat, but also like a dinosaur (his charging attack? Very undiluted awenem). And he breaths some really silly looking fire (although, some of it is sentient, and that's NOT silly.) And I'm still trying to decide exactly why he kidnaps Princess Toadstool all the time. I think he is a lovestruck fool. Regardless, Bowser is a drama queen. Let me explain...

While fighting enemies (especially dread bosses), I find it nice to have some sort of fight music. This perhaps first occurred when I was playing some faceless songs from Zola Levitt's Next Year in Jerusalem album several years ago, while drudging Metroid Prime's mining area. Specifically...right before that area's main boss. You know, ol' Stompy Sickly.

The next time I played music to a boss fight was more recent, and, amazingly, the exact same fight. I forget how I discovered it, but the Rebecca St. James song God Help Me goes quite well to the fight. That got me thinking, and several months later, I realized how perfectly Drama Queen by Family Force 5 would go to a Dark Samus duel. This is hilarious to me on very many levels. I may explain the whole point of that someday- from the evil to the humiliation to the pure "Damn you"-ness. But Paul tells us to bless, and curse not.



Thusforthwithly, from now on, at fitting points, I will play the song Drama Queen when fighting dread bosses. Bosses defeated with this music will become known as drama queens. I will sometime make a list of drama queens, sort of an memorial of humiliation for defeated enemies.

Some games- such as Splinter Cell, which I'm currently trying to straighten my crooked path with- obviously wouldn't do well with fight music. I think that most will. Particularly Metroid games! Now, I must be off, before I do something I'll really, really, really, really regret, and embarrass myself till I die.

Did I mention that I had an energy drink today? For all of its myriad nostalgic properties, it still tastes like ...well, you know. It was a Full Throttle Fury Energy Drink. Man, it's horrible, but not quite as horrible as the Monster brand. OK, I need to go, I'm rambling.

The Lord's Coming, or just Some Clouds?

Well, you remember the last time I saw clouds. But this time they weren't thin sky-coverers...they were big clouds! Puffy clouds! I think they're called cumulus clouds! They blocked out the sun every once and a while! I'll need to talk to Kile II about this sometime.

In fact, the first time I noticed this, I was in my room, and suddenly it got darker...since it has been about five months since we've had clouds that are capable of moving in front of the sun and temporarily blocking it out, I kinda thought it was the Lord's coming. I thought, "Well, here goes."

My cat, Precious, also noticed this. I think she saw it a few seconds before I did, because she ran and jumped into the windowsill a few seconds before the sun was blocked out. You know it's bad when even a cat is surprised to see clouds.


Here's a picture. It's clouds. The meteorologists say, "It might rain tomorrow." I say my new bedtime prayer: "If it shall rain before I wake, I pray the Lord, Numbers 11:14-15 on me!"


Yes, and even more are on the horizon...I must get up at 3 AM tomorrow, regardless of when I get to sleep, so that I can see if it will indeed rain. Rain, rain...how sweet the sound.


Before long, it'll be dust storm season. I love dust storm season so much. Talk about nostalgia...back when our land was pure, stunningly brilliant, clean, unmolested...back before we moved onto it...

The Energy Drink

I am not drinking coffee, instead, I am drinking an energy drink. A "monster" energy drink. The guy who won that one thing drank an energy drink, I think the drink was...Mountain Dew Code Whoamg (Whoa, My God). Yes. Picture below, along with reviews from various news organizations.




Thank-you Imageshack.us. You make quarters seem like dollars, what with your dandy image hosting service.

The thing is won like a Spelling Bee, you have to answer questions. They're very, very difficult questions. There has only been one winner in 200 years, and it never lasts more than one round, and the question he answered was...

Hold on. Let me check out this possible virus. I was just using Flash (picture above in a bit), noticed lag when entering text, and csrss.exe is running up to 88% of CPU. Seems to be just in Flash though...somebody could be trying to steal my thoughts. We can't have that, now can we? I'd sooner destroy my precious thoughts!

Blah blah...on and on...one hour 45 minutes of scanning so far...so anyways, the guy who won answered the question correctly "If the sun had a ring on it like Saturn, what would the Sega Saturn have been called?" to which he guessed, "Sega Sunring." Everyone else guessed variants of "Sunturn."

My point? Well, this stuff tastes horrible.

Like sweet tarts ground to a powder then made a drink of.

So horribly terrible.

Disgusting.

This stuff is terrible.


Seriously.

It is like diseased urine- it even looks like it. Do not buy it. Do not try it.


AVG scanner is done, "Stinger" is done. Nothing. So I will restart a few times... that should fix it.


UPDATE (Tuesday, November 27th, 2007, 8:40 AM): It (Monster energy drink) is now a horrifically awesome nostalgic drink for me. So I will be buying it in the future. Monster energy drink, pah-yuck! But so nostalgia-inducing! Welcome the "Nostalgia" tag for all things relating to nostalgia.