The Horrible Day, Week 5, Post 3: Make Everything Right with the World

On Wednesday, after that we had stayed late cleaning the kitchen, I told Mr. dataDyne at bible study about my predicament. He said that I need to gird up now my loins like a man. With that pep talk (that's as peppy as his talk gets) and my Ducky Syndrome, I managed to not crash into a light pole on the way home. More on Ducky Syndrome later.



Now we'll focus on Thursday, the 5th of February, for a while, humble fool. Try to keep up.

The walk-in refrigerator purged of all rebellion, the freezers cleared of scourges, the ovens prim and proper, the floor bleached, the ceiling painted, the paint droppings from the painting painstakingly removed with a scraper (that maintenance man is a jerk), the mop bucket cleansed and the mop and broom hung neatly, the cutting board sanded to remove scratches, and with the doors lovingly propped open, my boss told me two things as we awaited our OSA.


First, none of this is my fault. Second, if we fail this OSA, none of what she does to me is her fault. Reassuring, right? Mrs. Merry joined us, and I left; she's the kitchen manager, and I don't really need to be there, just to be available if the inspectors want to meet me. Lemmings (or employees) kept casually walking into the kitchen to see how they were doing. That didn't go over well.

Soon the inspectors arrived. Three of them, all guys. I went and hid myself in my office and frenziedly checked my email; Vixen forwarded me an obvious scam email for fast cash. She's wiggy, but in a colorful kind of way. I emailed her back: "I've already got so much money that I can't spend it fast enough. Maybe I'll buy you some shampoo." I knew that that would eat at her for hours.

Time slowed. But it also sped, so half of the time it was slow, half of the time it was fast. Honestly, I couldn't tell when it was fast or when it was slow. It seemed just like normal time, but man, it was fluctuating, I just couldn't tell. I attempted to call Manny Hitman. She's hard to reach sometimes, and her voice message (welcome to "message boxland") is really weird.

Foiled, I paced; I browsed recipes for peanut butter pie (and contemplated how that could ever be good), I pondered pecan pie (Mrs. Merry loves them), and I felt somber but excited at the same time. Then out of nowhere, I was broadsided by guilt.

I'm not often absent-minded, but sometimes my mind is not on the matter at hand. It was in that moment of clarity that I realized I hadn't played video games for about a month.

And then I realized that I still haven't completed Metroid Prime 2: Echoes. I wimped out; I didn't want to face the end, and the assured death that would follow me; I hate it when Samus dies. It bothers me, and so I stopped playing. Fear of a hard fight is a common problem with gamers.

At this point, I didn't really care whether we passed or failed. I was a sad sailor. My boat had a hole in it, you could say.


Good thing, though, we did pass. It's like this: Saundra (the inspector) is a little long in the tooth, and according to one inspector who trained with her years back, is going kind of nuts. Problem, she's so adored that they don't want to fire her. The OSA was to start us out with a clean slate, and "hopefully we could all put this behind us."

Sweetheart inspections, HERE WE COME! YEEHAW!


Also, more protesters (picketers/ASPCA flyer and phone campaign) showed up, but that's not so important. During the pre-inspection cleanup (we wanted to be sure we passed), I got to rearrange the kitchen to my liking. Now, that's what I call a functional disaster!

I may have left out some details. If I have, I'll post it in a future post and call it "The Lost Post." Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some articles on hair care to forward, and some video games to play. Not necessarily in that order.

Kev's First Post Posted Before He Meant It To Be

Yep, just happened. Not sure how. I was typing, and not hitting tab, but it persisted in posting anyways. I was just putting the parenthesis after "Kev" in the title to title the post and it posted. So all that posted was "Kev" in the title. No post body.

I kind of dislike things like that. Ofttimes I will reconsider something that I've said in a post, because really, I can say some uncouth and non-kempt things. And a lot of times I don't realize how uncouth and non-kempt they are. And a lot of times I don't catch them until months later. Then I kick myself.


I had a dream about dinosaurs today. Coincidentally, I'm getting cravings to playing Turok: Evolution. T1/2/3 are too frightening and involved; Turok: Evolution is kind of like The Powerpuff Girls compared to, um, 24, or something. It's a declawed feline of a game.


Not because it's lacking in violence or in horror, but because they made the anthropomorphic dinosaurs- which are something like the creature in Predator- into mere guards. You fight waves and waves of them; and they're far too humanlike. They use long-ranged gun attacks as opposed to T2 and part of T3 where they frequently used close-range attacks.

Example, in Turok 2, the dinosoids (human-dinosaur hybrids, let's call them that) would actually chase after you; but they'd stop after a certain point, run away, and hide. Then you'd have to find out where they were hiding, and hopefully get the jump on them. And if you didn't get them, they'd chase you all over again. Their dinosoid shrieks and howls, coupled with astounding atmosphere courtesy of the N64's subpar graphics engine, gendered quite a...um...atmospheric, shriek-filled...thing. Yep. Golly gee, then there are the Flesh Eaters. Those guys are FREAKY. They're crazy fast (and overwhelm you with numbers to the point where their quick movements cause blurs), they sound demonic as a speckled canary, they have high-powered weapons, and are always guarding something and Doin' Good! at it...they look imposing, even.


Did I mention that I didn't want to go outside at night for months when I was 11? Good times. It wasn't the Flesh Eaters, though; it was the Purrlin. They gave me the jibba-jabbas.



Turok: Evolution does great for a FPS- it's grand and sweeping, has decent enemies...intelligently, it's a good FPS. The problem lies in the long-ranged enemies who lack bestial quality.

Still, even lemon juice and citric acid over vanilla ice cream has its place when you're craving it.

Frustration: Sins of a Solar Empire

Here's something I'm ashamed to admit. It makes me feel like an absolute wretch.

It's actually hard to say. It says something about me that I certainly don't want to be said. And I don't want to see it, in written form, in front of me. It's much easier to ignore it...but some things have to be said. For the sake of posterity.

I can't play Sins of a Solar Empire.

...


I feel so humiliated.



Yep. And I really, really like Sins of a Solar Empire. Breaks my heart that I can't play it. As far as I can tell it is not a hardware-derived issue; it freezes the heck out of my laptop during the later stages of games, yes, but at that point, the computer is so far ahead of me that even if I wasn't freezing I would still lose miserably.

Kev sad.

Kev humiliated.

Kev go back to cave and start fire, keep warm, hit woolly mammoth over head with club tomorrow. Then Kev invite over man-friends, and Kev start town call Kevtopia. Then Kev and man-friends go hit two woolly mammoth over head and start butcher shop to buy mammoth brains from when Kev sick and no feel like hitting woolly mammoths over head. Kev pay for mammoth brains on Wednesday if Kev can have mammoth brains on Tuesday. Kev need till Wednesday to invent currency.

Halo. No angels involved.

Yes...it's time to consider Halo. And by 'consider,' I mean 'think of.'


I don't have much to say about Halo. Seen gameplay footage. Know that it's a good combat engine. Know that it's online, a leviathan from Microsoft, got an armorsuited freakshow in it ("I'm a representative of Freaktropolis." "Never heard of it." "Never heard of it?...you're looking at it."), has bells, has whistles, has a ripoff of Adon. Named, um, I forget. I think she's cool, but she won't say the things that Adon would say. Like, "Lair of the Blind Ones."

You can probably tell that I know so little about Halo that I have to fill this post up with speculative comparisons of the holographic assistant in Halo and the amazingly above-par voice-acting marvelous wonder that is Adon in Turok. Sooo FTW.


Yep, that's almost all I know about Halo. From what I hear, I'd like to play it. From what I hear, I don't expect much from it. Go on, take off my shoe and spit in my face.

Real Princesses Don't Seduce Protagonists

Had two minutes to post this; I wrote it several days ago:


And they don't go semi-catatonic and respond to every query with a flat "giggle-laugh", either.


Oh, I can feel the darkness approaching. Its appendage-like sinews stretching and grasping, trying to find their way into my veins to capture my motor functions and, ultimately, dreams and desires. Its mouth, if you could call it that, is like a maw in the dirt, gnawing on nothing, ceaselessly grinding its teeth of stone.

That shiny, black fiend.


Anyways, yes, real princesses never seduce protagonists, and when they do, they always turn out to be evil beings in princess garb- and therefore not princesses at all. And this is especially so when they go catatonic on you, even if their dad, the King, had just died. Because there won't always be a pirate nearby to save you.

That's the lesson of the week.


Yep.

Perfect Dark and Turok

Joanna Dark.

Perfect Dark.


A respectable female protagonist. What's not to love? I've droned on and on about Perfect Dark before, and gameplay video of Perfect Dark Zero makes me salivate (I'm almost serious- it looks just like the original Perfect Dark but faster!). I'm not sure if I've mentioned the link that Perfect Dark and Turok share, though.

In my mind of minds, there's a link between Perfect Dark and Turok: Evolution. My opinion, Turok: Evolution was a complete sham gameplay-wise. There were certainly some amazing plot elements and wonderful, memorable level designs, but there was...

Well, it's like this.

• I don't have understanding of the first Turok
• Turok 2: Seeds of Evil had amazingly creative enemies (and a lot of them), simple-yet-great level layout, and a wonderful, low framerate that somehow worked in the game's favor. The main (possibly only) flaw was the save points, not nearly enough of them
• Turok 3: Shadow of Oblivion was where the trouble began. What a great legacy Turok 3 left: "Where the trouble began."

The first part of Turok 3: Shadow of Oblivion passes muster. There are terrible spider-human creatures, rabid dogs, Robocop-like guards, and I think there are zombies. (Or something to that effect.) I'd be just as happy if there were crazy dinosaurs loose in the city, but whatever.

Then it all went wrong when the character had to invade that military compound.

Humans were in the compound.

And after that, the enemies were either humans, or extremely humanlike creatures. (A few were comical, even. That's bad.) This kept up during the remainder of the pitiful five hours of gaming. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but if I want a straight-up FPS, I'll get a 007 game. Because I like 007 FPS. Shut up.


As for Turok: Evolution...it managed to make being stalked by raptors boring. And it made a tyrannosaurus attack feel insignificant. (And not because of the grandeur of the rest of the game.)

No, no, don't play it up; don't make the character run for their lives, or lead the tyrannosaurus into a camp of enemies, or sneak up on it while it's sleeping and jump on it, and definitely don't just have it waiting around a corner for you and "jump out" (which would be very frightening.) Nope, make it boring.

Great work.


Anyways, it seems I was playing Turok: Evolution for single player and me and my brother were playing Perfect Dark for multiplayer. And wam, they melded, and now I picture them in my mind together.

Well, for the most part. I don't think I'd attempt to play them at the same time. It's just that my thoughts of them tend to go hand-in-hand, like some poor fools hopelessly in love.


Uhh...now that I think about it...that's quite...creepy...I HAVE TO GO!

No Defense for Jill Valentine and Splinter Cell brings the Wii360

As you know, humble fool, I'm a gamer. A Nintendo gamer. I must be honest, I've only played a PlayStation once (it was purchased and returned in a temerarious haze, leaving me scarred for life, but that's a story for another time) and I've never even seen an Xbox in person. Yet I've always maintained that I would get an Xbox over a PlayStation.


The other day, my dad was berating a woman with the last name of "Valentine." I said, "Now, listen, Pa, there ain't nothing bad you can say about someone with the last name of Valentine." He said, "Why not?! She's the ANTICHRIST!" His words hung in the air.

"Yes, but, Jill Valentine has that name, and, well, I doubt that the Antichrist would share Ms. Valentine's name..."
"Who?"
"Jill Valentine!"
"Who the hell is she?!"
"I don't know, let me put it this way. If I was less of a craven fool, she'd turn me into a drooling fanboy without a backbone, and I'd melt into a puddle and stick in the carpet."
"Oh whatever!" he said. "She's still the Antichrist!"


The same conversation has occurred thrice since then- each time the commercial is on.


Jill Valentine is a character in the Resident Evil series of movies and games. That's almost all I know. The other bit of what I know is enough to know that she's awesome on a lot of levels, and worthy of deference and, importantly, defense.


However, now that the Age of Idols has fallen, there's not much purpose in that defense. With the passing of the Age of Idols comes the passing of gamer "buoys." I am adrift in the middle of a sea of fireroads, to quote a dove.

I'm sorry, Jill. I'm sorry that I've never had the spine to come to the knowledge of what wonder you may possess. I'm sorry that I possibly never will. I'm sorry that I've let you and, indeed, the entire franchise slip through the crack in my gamer skull. I've done this wretched thing with full awareness and knowledge. I'm sorry that what indentation on the hard disk of my brain you may have made has been baseless or, if possible, worse, skewed by the lowest wretches of humanity, Hollywood.

In that vein, I am unrepenting that I destroyed that DVD.



Now, humble fool, I am sorry toward you that I will not be able to get to the second part of the title of this post. That will be revealed in due time through a cunning process. It should be entertaining.

With the passing of the Age of Idols, every action, lacking a purpose- unguided by buoys, if you will- has to be based upon some strange system I've yet to fully grasp. The main problematic element being that there is no longer a moral compass.

There's no line I cannot cross.


If I may:

Judges 17:6 KJV In those days there was no king in Israel, but every man did that which was right in his own eyes.

I Love You Battery and Games Installed

My new laptop battery is possibly the greatest thing in everdom. No, no it isn't. Not the greatest thing in everdom...it ranks high for sure, but that spot is reserved for greater things than it. For sure.

Anyways, yeah, the battery is fantastical. Did I mention that? It's superindific, too. And it's stuporindipitious. And whimsically...um...gr...and. Yeah. Sorry, my panegyric ran out. There's your $10 word for the day. Kind of unwieldly, isn't it?


And the games are now installed, except for The Sims, which is MWL. Missing While Lost. I know, I know, these terms should totally actually exist! I of course haven't played any of them yet.
Uhh...I've played them all before, man, why on earth would I be so eager to play them again? Seriously, you expect too much out of me.

Or too little. I don't wanna decide which...

Chex Quest Pwnt

Remember when I mentioned Chex Quest? Here's the relevant bit of that post:

Actually, mindless books are not an option. I don't have any of those. Video games are a given; I'm probably going to put a little time in on Chex Quest. What? You don't remember Chex Quest? Wow...well, it's a Doom clone. But it's got a guy in it called Chex Man or whatever. He looks like a human wearing a huge square Chex Cereal...piece, as armor. Um, actually, I think that's what he is. And that also he looks like it. Because for the reason that he is it.

And here's the picture of Chex Man / the Chex Warrior of the Chex Squadron!

That link is now dead. Nice move, Chex Cereal, you morons. Estrange yourself from a game made specifically for you, real smart.

Notice it's in the program 'DOSBox.' DOSBox replicates a DOS computer. Supposedly Chex Quest can run in Win95, but it lags like a...laggy ...car... for me unless I run it in DOSBox. If you want to download it, you can find it via Chex Quest Mania. And if that link breaks, believe me, if you have the technical ability to operate DOSBox, you will have no trouble navigating your way through the Intranet to find the download. I am really quite unsure if downloading it in this fashion is illegal.


It's an old game- my brother even remembered it! Oh, good times playing this one. Actually, I have very little memory of it, just enough to remember all of the levels. But no details about the levels. Just the look of them. And only certain parts of them. It's all pretty much the same, though, so if you remember one room of one level you remember every room of that level. The reason I post this is that I beat the game today; it took maybe an hour and a half, so turn up the difficulty if you want it to last for any reasonable amount of time.

I kind of like the gameplay...I can see why people love Doom so much.

Nerds.

That's New

I think...


That I'm turning into a wuss. I'm playing Metroid Prime 2, and I just got to um...the fortress place. I won't describe it too much so that I can claim this as spoiler-free.

Anyways...I saw a Rezbit...and I whimpered.


Like a girl.

I said, "I hate em I hate em I hate em!" and it came out in a whiny, sissyish whimper.

Just like a girl.


I was so surprised that I paused the game (the Rezbit is still there) and started writing this. I know what you're thinking. "It's not that bad, Kev. Rezbits are obviously ferocious, scary monsters, and one jumped out and scared you."

I might agree, and I did forget that they exist. So it was a bit of a surprise...but Rezbits...well...they look like...they're...they're floating sea mines, alright? With two mace heads attached to them with some kind of invisible bond, so that they float around them like satellites.


And not only do they resemble three non-scary, small, floating sea mines, they also move slowly. And their two smaller satellite-sea-mines float around them pretty slowly, too. They can disrupt your view (making it staticky), and they can form a reflective shield, and they can launch a volley of blasts of sorts, but aside from that, they're hideously non-terrifying.

Someone shoot me in the head. I need some lead in my thought centers to toughen me up.

Or kill me. Which is what a craven wuss deserves.

Time to make the Taffy

Remember when I first mentioned making taffy in passing in this post? That was actually one of the first times I'd ever made taffy. And I haven't made much since. I'm by far no pro. That sounds grammatically choppy, but I'll go with it.


Regardless. For some reason, I decided it was time to make some again. Maybe it's because tomorrow is the first day of Fall (according to the ever-authoritative Spiderman 3 calender my mom uses), or maybe it's because in two days it's time again for my Metroid Prime 2: Echoes birthday run. Yeah, that's definitely it. It's the...it's the brooding instincts.


OK, get your liquid glycerin. This stuff is...sigh...yes, it's the bomb. There, I said it, I hope you're just giggling yourself into a coma.

Now get your vodka. I mean vanilla. I totally meant vanilla.


Yeah...do I use the new stuff...or the old stuff? How many batches were made? I forget. But I'll use the old stuff. I guess it's so old that it didn't need a year designation. Which means it's really old...and I call this Vanillae Taffy. Vanilla just won't describe it. It's almost poisonous. I don't give this to humans, only to animals that I want to die. Oh...I might need to qualify that for legal reasons. Ahahahaha, I'm joking.

There. Boy, I'm feeling dry tonight.


Now add your water, corn syrup, sugar (I got the specialized C&H out), and salt.

One of my worst recurring waking nightmares- I hope that describes them sufficiently- is to accidentally set the thermometer to Celsius and boil it until it's, um, dead. So, cook it until it's done. Then pour it onto a pan to cool a bit before stretching.

There. It's cool enough. I suggest wearing gloves for a few reasons. That I don't need to go into. Let's just go with one reason: They totally keep your hands from burning too badly. Not that they'll help. But I don't want to go into the other reasons. Not this close to Midnight, at least. Now get to stretching.


Hey! We're done! That was quick.


Muahahaha...now is our time, Taffy Army...yes, follow me, your beloved, fearless general-leader...heh heh heh heh heh heh.





Nobody tell them.

The Darkest Hour of Temptation Comes Before the Dawn

It began when I awoke. My first thoughts stirred and danced and forlicked (kind of like frolicking, but higher jumping), but out of nowhere hope and hopelessness collided and engaged; this hateful match was very disturbing to my half-asleep brain. Normally hope and hopelessness don't go at it, but they were really, really, foully angered at each other today.

The Kev Conscious didn't seem to care and let it go on for quite a while. This is typical if, say, secure and anxious are going at it, but not when hope and hopelessness are fighting. Because if hopelessness wins- and I mean really wins- ...game over. So it's a little important that they not play war with each other.

I'm happy to report that The Kev Conscious quenched the brawl. I don't think that hope was exactly on the losing end, yet it's nice that The Kev Conscious wasn't defective. But then the fruit of hope and hopelessness's raging began to manifest.


You know that the Dawn is near. September 23rd...that is when I can begin my Metroid Prime 2: Echoes birthday run. It's been two long years...unbelievable. All I can say is that I'm either wrong about that, or I have some astounding patience. Regardless, it is now that I begin purification.


I must abstain from gaming for personal entertainment from now until I begin Metroid Prime 2: Echoes. I must cleanse myself of that which may detract, and I must extirpate my fears. It's so far gotten off to a bad start, what with hope and hopelessness clashing this morning...

I find myself restless. Restlessness is the fruit of a clash of those Titans of Kev's Mind. And restlessness is not a good thing to have when you're abstaining from gaming. It leads to temptation. But I'll be OK. I'll soldier on. I'll be strong. I'll stop being dramatic.

And I'll celebrate on that bright shore.

My Heart Just Melted

Uog.


Ever see something that you didn't necessarily mean to see, and when you saw it, it bowled you over and your heart melted into liquid and poured out of your mouth because you weren't expecting it? Like this:

John 19:34 KJV But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.

Let's "personalize" that:

But Kev was looking through his blog, and saw this post, and he fell over, and his heart melted and poured out through his clenched teeth at the sight of that stunningly wondrous visage.


Oooooooog. "A heart melted still beats."

The Breath of Life

I think that's a talisman in Turok 2: Seeds of Evil. That is a "chicken soup for Kev's soul" game. But it is not convenient.


Anyways, I was thinking the other day...things die when they don't have air. I had been thinking of that for a while. These intensely difficult equations and theories in my head just bounce around splattering into each other, you know. But I digress: things can be drowned...things can be...strangled. I think you know where this post is going, so if you're a coward, and a sissy, don't read on. But it really isn't that bad. You... pervert.


We had a goat to slaughter. Yeah, you definitely know where I'm going now. We dislike the notion of cutting its neck with a knife. It's too...weird, at least right now. I told my dad, "Why don't we just strangle it?" and he was like, "Kev, that is just weird. You'd have to be a real sicko to do that."


Long story short, I strangled a goat today "with my bare hands," as my parents are already fond of saying. It was a lot easier than I thought it'd be, but it was pretty...well, you know, with the thrashing, the gasping for air, the struggling with every last ounce of power for its life. It was raging against me with all of its will and strength, but I am a human and thus have the superiority.

Now, it gets worse.

Once it was, ah, out of it, to make sure that it didn't come back to life, I took ol' stabby and, well, let's say it doesn't have 5 o'clock shadow anymore, if you understand Splinter Cell humor. If you don't understand Splinter Cell humor, I think you still know what I did. Someone had to do it. Man. Moment. Baby goat.


Later on, I got to follow that old kingly decree, "Off with his head!"

It sure is surprising how soft the spine at the neck is.




This has been a dark humor post by Kev.

Not The Death Game

I've been playing the death game lately. I know I shouldn't. It's too nerve-wracking. Most of you see the death game as Russian Roulette, I suppose. I don't call it that.


I call it Metroid Prime: Hunters. It's a very lonely game. I think that's because it's on the Nintendo DS; most games on that system are lonely. I think it's because my DS is onyx black, and I play it in the dark, and it's really solitude evoking. Metroid itself is lonely, then when you add the floating nothingness that a black DS and a dark room provide...well, you're a spaceman.

I say it's nerve-wracking because Samus dies a lot. You can fall to your doom off of cliffs, or get crushed to death by pistons that, in the console games, wouldn't have caused death.

I call it the death game because I was playing it when I got the news of my great grandmother's death. She was 93. I don't remember much about her, but I do remember the day she died. It was her birthday. They (my mom, dad and some family) had pizza and cake. It was a comparatively late night. Then I got the call. "She died as soon as we left!" Thus, as I was playing Metroid Prime: Hunters when she died, I call it the death game. And not only so, but we have a pair of Death Bears, too, because they were a gift to her on the day she died. Since she died while she was alone, we think that the bears strangled her. Shhhh.


I digress. (I have to do that a lot, don't I?) I'm not sure which videogame to play now that I've finished Metroid Prime. It is either Conflict: Desert Storm, Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow, Super Mario Sunshine, or a Paper Mario title, either the original or TTYD.

Since I don't feel like directing a senseless squad, Conflict: Desert Storm is out. And since I don't feel like playing a game that doesn't allow you to listen to sermons while you play, Splinter Cell: PT is out. I have gotten enough of Delfino Plaza via SSBB. That leaves it to a Paper Mario.


It's a tough choice. I am in a strait. I can go for the simplicity of the original, or the complexity of the second. Hm. Goombario, or ponytail girl. Fan-smack, or Vivian. Awesome train ride, or goofy desert train ride.

It's a decision made harder in that they're both played via Wii with a Gamecube paddle. Let's see...oh...drat it all. The original will take less time, and the second will take a lot more time. The second has that island "level" that I hate, but so does the original. Argh! The second has a detective mystery, a championship wrestling parody, a mob underground...

The first has a better haunted house level, and the awesome Shy Guy level...and short-stop the egg-baby...OK, it's almost winter. The original PM should be played in winter. Thusforthtoherefortotheretothenfortothere (or any combination thereof), Paper Mario 2: The Thousand-Year Door it is!


I find my selection process very interesting. And this is a fine example of a near-gibberish post.

Mission Final: Metroid Prime

I have finally finished Metroid Prime. Hoorah!! But not only finished it: Finished it with 100% of scans (I had to look one up which I would not have gotten) and 100% of items (no guide)!


But most importantly...I didn't die once, not even at the last! I ended the 'end boss' with eight or nine energy tanks to spare. Thus, 100% scans, 100% items, zero deaths.


Mission final, including the credits, at 3:18 PM; the time this picture was taken.


It took 26 hours on-the-dot according to the game's reckoning. It was more around 30, all things considered. My arms are sore. My shoulders are sore, especially. You would do well to wonder how on earth my arms and shoulders are sore after less than an hour of gaming, when I can game for many more hours without such discomfort. The best I can guess is that I was gaming really, really hard.

And that I was nervous and tense and being very cautious, as, having defeated the rest of Metroid Prime without dying, I didn't want to mess up at the end. But I made it through. I read Romans 8:37 and remembered Hebrews 12:2.

Rom 8:37 KJV Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

Heb 12:2 KJV ... who [Jesus) for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, ...

For the joy that was set before him. That's what I had in mind when I bitterly assailed the last remnants of darkness, using all of my wisdom, mental prowess and reflexes. It's surprisingly draining, but I've done much harder things.

I discovered a very nice setup/trick for Metroid Prime: Turn the music low, and turn the volume up a little. It's a much better experience when you hear the ambient sounds clearer. And you can fight better. And Samus is more awesome, if it were possible. Her shoulder pads reign the Sun into a cage.


In the end, I stand victorious, even as a man. I ate the traditional pecan pie slice while I watched the credits...let's just say that pecan pies are not exactly the sugary, flaky, nutty comestible equivalent of Pepto Bismal and Alka-Seltzer. Oog.

Tradition.







Expect a header to be edited in soon, linking to a post with a master list of the posts I've posted about this playthrough of Metroid Prime within a few days...uh, post.

Metroid Prime Trawling the Third: You Can Hide, But You Can't Run

Minor Metroid Prime spoilers. No more major than the last posts of this type, anyways.

Saturday, July 19, 2008 - Hey, it's my 100th Videogames tagged post! This calls for like, a recollection of my favorite video games sometime in the next five years!


Buuurrrg. Still looking. No closer. Now I only have a few options left; two of them I do not like; one of these is looking them up in a guide. There are a lot of immature, immoral, and overall immolating things I've done, but God do so to me if I fall that far.


The other option is kind of risque. I mean, risky. But like my dad says, "Life takes risks." That's just great. Now I can see why he couldn't pilot that ship in Battletoads and Double Dragons. "Maybe that asteroid will disintegrate on its -PWOOFSH!" and no more Dad.


Well, time to begin. In the Magmoor Caverns. Like always. I'm going to search them then head to the overworld. OK...half of the Magmoor Caverns have been researched (or, re-searched) and now it's onto the overworld.

Half of the overworld (including the darn ship) searched, but I must now stop. I have a stomach ache the likes of which I've never had before. You know it's a bad if I crawl into bed and start reading Job.



Wednesday, July 23, 2008

OK, time for more searching. When I left last time, I ran to the nearest save spot, which happened to be in the Chozo Ruins. I heard the story of the Tortex pick and the hair. I guess someone put a Tortex (Dunlop) pick in their hair and it caught fire or something. Point is, "Slow and steady wins the race." I don't know how that applies to guitar picks or hair. But the talking heads tell me it does. So I'm going through the map really slowly and thoroughly. Really.

I've since adopted a new strategy: it's called turn the TV up, turn the Music setting down, and turn the SFX to the max. That will allow me to hear clearly the hum-hum-hum of the itamz I so desizer.

Ah, the Burn Dome. Memories...memories. Ah, Chozo Ghosts. Spectral entities, spectral entities... Ah, hum hum, th--

Wait just a slip-slappin' beat-a-dog moment! Stop your yabbering yap sermon-boy, I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!


Silence. Let's hear it once more. BUWAaaaareeng buarennnng beurannngg, music to my ears! Now let's just find the sucker! I heard it at 12:40 PM. It's in a pile of long, red tree leaves. Some are fallen and on the ground.

Thermal visor reports no itamz. Scan visor doesn't show any scans available. ...X-ray visor shows nothing. Whoa. There's a secret passage that is impossible to see and that I don't remember. And it's a missile expansion! Woo! I gets it at 12:53 PM. Now I'm at 99%. 1% left.

So I guess it should be noted that itamz appear to let off the hum, hum, humming even when they're down a secret tunnel. Wow, maybe I've never completed Metroid Prime at 100%? No, that's impossible. My Cheatin' Heart says otherwise, and my Jeremiah 17:9 heart agrees! Now onto my next darling.

Wait just a slip-slappin', run-over-your-foot, slam-your-head-in-a-car-door, beat-a-dog, boil-a-frog moment! The screen tells me that 100% of all pickups have been acquired! That's just bologna! That's just pork butt!


Or is it.


Well. I ran to the gunship and saved and quit, and sure enough, the profile screen says 100%.

Thus forth, I AM HAVE COLLECTED THE MISSING 2%! But it was only 1 item! YES VICTORY FOR MEEEE

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a fine fabrics store to get to. My next goal is to start training for the end battle. Oh, what an end battle that will be. I have a few tricks up my sleeve but the enemy is gigantuous and very very evilly powerful. Hip, hip, 100%!

More Metroid Prime Trawling: Come To Me, My Missing 2%!

Minor Metroid Prime spoilers!


OK...I begin in the Magmoor Caverns, from whence I left off last time. Remember that post?

And as to the title, see this post: Bess' Wedding #2: Come to me, my baby! (I hope I remember to link these two. I should make a header. I'll totally do that. Sometime.)


Right, I don't like the Magmoor Caverns, but I don't not like them, either. They're hot, the heat visor won't work right (it's TOO HOT!), there's lava, it's hotter still. There's FIRE. But they're short and linear, and there are some nice transports...and the Space Pirates are working on thermal energy, man. With lava! That's awesome. It's like cold fusion but really hot and nothing like cold fusion.

Aside, they're packed with sneakily hidden items, maybe my missing 2%. But not likely, as I've searched them several times already. Oh, and there are these gem-like things that are really, really big, and if they are gems, they are probably worth a quadrillion dollars. They're pretty.


...nothing. The Magmoor Caverns get walked through very often. Much wandering makes Kev a dull ax. Much wandering makes Kev a dull ax. Much wandering makes Kev a dull ax...




That narrows it down to the overworld, the Phendrana Drifts, or the Phazon Mines. There's a good chance I'll find my 2% in the Phendrana Drifts.

Four things:

1. Check your map. Rooms may have little shafts going out of them into caverns, and you'd be none-the-wiser without looking. Or at least less-the-wiser.
2. Use all three assistant visors to search for items! This is a great help and you'll get into the habit in no time.
   
3. Blow things up if they look suspicious.
4. Listen for the sound that items make. They cry out to be found. You know, like that old saying...that I probably shouldn't repeat.
   

Ahem, anyways... the Phendrana Drifts. It's Tallon IV's snow land. Probably my favorite area, but they're extremely tedious for the searching. Mainly because there are three parts...and there are......things. Like Sheegoths.

But I can't continue now. Time to make the bagels, at the behest of my aunty Sissy; it is Thursday, and I've searched most of the backside of Phendrana, up to Phendrana's Edge, and I saved in the Super Missile room of the Space Pirates. Few words, much tedious exploration.


[space]


It is now two days later, Saturday. Time to continue the search. Cue John Vertigo with the Revelation Overview dancers. Let's get this party started!


Drat. There are no dancers. Just overviewing...Phendrana Drifts are almost done. I've completed the loop that includes Phendrana's Edge (and the Gravity Cave), and the Space Pirate Research Facility. Time to dredge through the rest of the Drifts and then onto...the Phazon Mines.

OK, the Phendrana Drifts have been searched thoroughly...and that means that it's onto the mines. But now it's time to go, for I have work to do. I got to make a something for tomorrow [sic]. I expect it to be...turbulent. [evil laughter]


Wait, that's not how I would describe it at all! I expect it to be...great. [good laughter]


That's more like it. For you non-game-apt foo's out there, sorry if none of this makes sense. I'll um, post something special for you. Just tell me what non-game-related post you want, and I'll write it up. Maybe a post about flowers?

Where's The [Other 2%]?

Warning! Minor Metroid Prime spoilers!


Murrumph. I've searched long, I've searched hard, and I've searched in water. I've searched on land. I've searched on top of humongous flowers.

I'm at 98% in Metroid Prime, and I can't find the other 2%. There are 100 items to collect in Metroid Prime...thus the 100% rating. So I've collected 98%- or 98 of 100- of the itamz to be had, but I can't locate the other two. There are five areas:

Tallon IV overworld (it's the surface of the planet)
The Chozo Ruins (remnants of an civilization of anthropomorphic hippie-birds)
The Magmoor Caverns (lava pits)
The Phendrana Drifts (snow land)
The Phazon Mines (the Space Pirate's mining operation)



I've searched them all. Apparently, not thoroughly enough. I must now go explore them all over again. I will start where I ended, I guess, which is more or less the derelict space vessel. Here goes. I hate this area...it's just so...particular. You have to go through murky water, and it's not spooky (as water can be), but it's just dull, I guess.



Nothing. Also nothing in the Great Tree Hall...now I'm onto the back end of the Chozo Ruins. I took 'Transport to Chozo Ruins East' to get here. Darned Chozo.

Alright...now the entirety of the Chozo Ruins have been searched. They're OK, but...there's those freaky giant frogs that try to digest you (and have tusks), and there's wasps EVERYWHERE. Sure, there are nice of lots...lots of nice things. Just not when you've gone through it looking for the last few items for the fourth time. And it's DANK! Man!

Nothing, nothing, nothing, and for the thir...fourth time, nothing!

I can't find the last two items tonight. I'll have to continue on tomorrow. I JUST...CAN'T...DO IT! For now...I save in the Magmoor Caverns. I'll search them tomorrow, then go give Phendrana Drifts a third searching. I get the feeling they're in the Phazon Mines...I've only searched there twice.


See this post for details on one of the Mine searches (yes, I did get quite a bit of examining done on this trip): Clad in Corruption: A Metroid Prime Post.

Dear Mom, Remember This Guy?

Warning! Video is creepy, but not in a gross way, in a "That guy is like Dracula" way. Oh, and the mind-control properties are filtered out. No worries.





Yeah...go Yuri. I used to have a non-color picture of him tacked to a wall-like thing. Turns out, my mom brushed her hair everyday at that spot, and was forced to stare at his menacing face and evil half-beard. It's a crying, barn-is-burning, dog-got-hit-by-a-car, cardoor-slammed-on-your-thumb shame that there's no available video of Lieutenant Eva being mind-controlled. She's a real trooper.

"Lon-don...Lon-don, Eng-land..."



Tanya was OK, but...she...is...kind of...





...well...um, how do I put this...


She...


Is...


Kind of...a little bit...


...brash? Let's go with that.