Perfect Dark and Turok

Joanna Dark.

Perfect Dark.


A respectable female protagonist. What's not to love? I've droned on and on about Perfect Dark before, and gameplay video of Perfect Dark Zero makes me salivate (I'm almost serious- it looks just like the original Perfect Dark but faster!). I'm not sure if I've mentioned the link that Perfect Dark and Turok share, though.

In my mind of minds, there's a link between Perfect Dark and Turok: Evolution. My opinion, Turok: Evolution was a complete sham gameplay-wise. There were certainly some amazing plot elements and wonderful, memorable level designs, but there was...

Well, it's like this.

• I don't have understanding of the first Turok
• Turok 2: Seeds of Evil had amazingly creative enemies (and a lot of them), simple-yet-great level layout, and a wonderful, low framerate that somehow worked in the game's favor. The main (possibly only) flaw was the save points, not nearly enough of them
• Turok 3: Shadow of Oblivion was where the trouble began. What a great legacy Turok 3 left: "Where the trouble began."

The first part of Turok 3: Shadow of Oblivion passes muster. There are terrible spider-human creatures, rabid dogs, Robocop-like guards, and I think there are zombies. (Or something to that effect.) I'd be just as happy if there were crazy dinosaurs loose in the city, but whatever.

Then it all went wrong when the character had to invade that military compound.

Humans were in the compound.

And after that, the enemies were either humans, or extremely humanlike creatures. (A few were comical, even. That's bad.) This kept up during the remainder of the pitiful five hours of gaming. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but if I want a straight-up FPS, I'll get a 007 game. Because I like 007 FPS. Shut up.


As for Turok: Evolution...it managed to make being stalked by raptors boring. And it made a tyrannosaurus attack feel insignificant. (And not because of the grandeur of the rest of the game.)

No, no, don't play it up; don't make the character run for their lives, or lead the tyrannosaurus into a camp of enemies, or sneak up on it while it's sleeping and jump on it, and definitely don't just have it waiting around a corner for you and "jump out" (which would be very frightening.) Nope, make it boring.

Great work.


Anyways, it seems I was playing Turok: Evolution for single player and me and my brother were playing Perfect Dark for multiplayer. And wam, they melded, and now I picture them in my mind together.

Well, for the most part. I don't think I'd attempt to play them at the same time. It's just that my thoughts of them tend to go hand-in-hand, like some poor fools hopelessly in love.


Uhh...now that I think about it...that's quite...creepy...I HAVE TO GO!

Bowser: certified Drama Queen - - - - Super Mario 64

Warning: mild spoilers follow.

I began playing Super Mario 64 several days ago (via Virtual Console), and I hate to admit it, because I'm oh-so-modest, but I pretty much mercilessly beat that game. I've played it before a few times, like most games, and it's simple to remember what to do. The enemies had no idea what hit them. Always fun to go through a childhood game.

I must say, the pure structural ingenuity of the levels (and therefore the puzzles) is astounding. I'm no foaming-at-the-mouth SM64 fan, but even though I knew most of the solutions, they were still awe-inspiring in their simplicity and complexity. Sort of like Metroid puzzles. I would have loved to go through the game with no prior knowledge. It's great- especially the use of wall jumps and the necessity to be inventive. The physics and controls and even camera are imperfect and can be frustrating, but they seem better for it. Really, I have no great biased attachment to the game.

I got 119 of the 120 stars with no help, then resorted to my handy-dandy Survival Guide. It's like, the only survival guide I've ever used. Super Mario 64 whupped me good when I was younger. It actually arrived at our house (when I was young) while I was at the dentists. My brother proceeded to precede me in having the snot slapped out of him. (At that point, about 11 years ago, when I was younger, not today.)

The star I missed (we're back in the current day, humble fools) was the second star on Peach's Secret Slide, the one where you have to race to the end within 20 seconds. I may have never discovered that, so I'm glad I swallowed my pride and looked it up. I knew it was a Castle Secret Star, but I just had no idea where to look, having examined the entire castle twice.


Meanwhile, Bowser was plotting whatever he was plotting. He's creepy in SM64. He is like a rat, but also like a dinosaur (his charging attack? Very undiluted awenem). And he breaths some really silly looking fire (although, some of it is sentient, and that's NOT silly.) And I'm still trying to decide exactly why he kidnaps Princess Toadstool all the time. I think he is a lovestruck fool. Regardless, Bowser is a drama queen. Let me explain...

While fighting enemies (especially dread bosses), I find it nice to have some sort of fight music. This perhaps first occurred when I was playing some faceless songs from Zola Levitt's Next Year in Jerusalem album several years ago, while drudging Metroid Prime's mining area. Specifically...right before that area's main boss. You know, ol' Stompy Sickly.

The next time I played music to a boss fight was more recent, and, amazingly, the exact same fight. I forget how I discovered it, but the Rebecca St. James song God Help Me goes quite well to the fight. That got me thinking, and several months later, I realized how perfectly Drama Queen by Family Force 5 would go to a Dark Samus duel. This is hilarious to me on very many levels. I may explain the whole point of that someday- from the evil to the humiliation to the pure "Damn you"-ness. But Paul tells us to bless, and curse not.



Thusforthwithly, from now on, at fitting points, I will play the song Drama Queen when fighting dread bosses. Bosses defeated with this music will become known as drama queens. I will sometime make a list of drama queens, sort of an memorial of humiliation for defeated enemies.

Some games- such as Splinter Cell, which I'm currently trying to straighten my crooked path with- obviously wouldn't do well with fight music. I think that most will. Particularly Metroid games! Now, I must be off, before I do something I'll really, really, really, really regret, and embarrass myself till I die.

Did I mention that I had an energy drink today? For all of its myriad nostalgic properties, it still tastes like ...well, you know. It was a Full Throttle Fury Energy Drink. Man, it's horrible, but not quite as horrible as the Monster brand. OK, I need to go, I'm rambling.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Wii. Nintendo Wii. Metroid. Metroid Prime. Samus. Samus Aran. Ah, yes. Ms. Aran. In all her blazing arm-cannon glory. Reigning the stars into a cage with her shoulder pads. How does the third and final installment in the Prime series rate?

Pretty darn good. See the other Prime reviews here: Metroid Prime, Metroid Prime 2: Echoes. Echoes was my first review of the series, and took over 9 hours to write (seriously). Bottom line, MP3 retains all of the gameplay of the previous 2, and that's what counts. I wholeheartedly endorse it, and if you like the previous two, there's no need to read this review. I finished it on December 4th, by the way.



Story:
Phazon (a deadly, ominous mutagen with much promise as an energy source) has spread, its usage has increased dramatically, and the Space Pirates have begun employing it in their war machine beyond Phazon mutations, powering ships and going so far as to make a deadly Phazon enhancement suit worn by almost all of their forces. The Galactic Federation has responded in kind with its own version of the Phazon enhancement suit, dubbed the PED: Phazon enhancement device. With these devices, both Pirates and GF marines can enter 'hypermode,' which increases their power exponentially. The GF version is considerably more deadly than the Space Pirate's version (displayed by Federation troops laying waste to Pirates), and poses less risk to the user.

Phazon seems to be transforming technology- and the galaxy- for the worse. The Galactic Federation's Aurora Units- large, organic, sentient supercomputers which can easily replace entire complements of technicians- have suddenly become infected with an incapacitating virus, rendering the majority of them all but useless. This seems to have come about from an attack on a Galactic Federation vessel, the G.F.S. Valhalla, perpetrated by the Space Pirates. The Valhalla's whereabouts are unknown, thought to be drifting in space. An "antidote" is formulated, but it must be hand-delivered to the Aurora Units before they can again become operational. And Dark Samus is back. She's such a drama queen.


Graphics:
I believe Metroid Prime 3 is closer to Prime 1 than Prime 2. Metroid Prime 3 is what I feel Prime 1 should have been- there are organic environments spattered with technology, and there are areas that are very high-tech, but without Prime 1's "unfinished" feel. They're very colorful, and typically I despise "vivid" color, but they're actually quite nice; not sure why. Any more colorful, and I would have turned down my TV color. The prevailing color is blue- the color of Phazon. Samus' visor now has a new look which I really like, as well as her ships' visor; little hint here, there are a few features of the cockpit you are not introduced to and kind of have to stumble upon. Two buttons above the thrusters, and 2 more on the opposite side.

There are some great, atmosphere-inducing spatial phenomena displayed; planets have pretty milky way types surrounding them. You do certainly feel like you're in space (you do NOT fly the ship manually), though the game is a bit lax in determining distance to planets. Travel between them doesn't appear to take long, as Samus uses a type of warp drive. There is a certain planet which has looming storm clouds, but they do not come and storm on you. That would have added a whole lot of atmosphere. Literally.

Also, if you're in a pressurized room, upon opening the door you'll have to walk against the vacuum to get out. Very nice touch. There are also some areas that have light shining through windows, and it appears that the room is dusty. That is, you can see the light on the dust. There is no nighttime-daytime rotation.

Sadly, Samus' appearance is still changing. She looks different in all three games; it is strange...in the first game, she looked really great and realistic; in the second game, she looked toony, but great; and in the third game, she looks really toony, but still great. The pattern here is that she's great! As touching her suit, it looks fine through most of the game...but I wish it was a little less colorful.


Controls:
This is what we all expect to be the best. It's for the Wii, and the Wii is the system that made a Dragon Ball Z game (Budokai Tenkaichi 2) not just tolerable, but fun. In my opinion, that's akin to taking a tunafish sandwich- made with stale bread- and serving it to the Queen of England instead of a 5-course dinner and her not having you killed. I am not alone in this opinion.

However, due to the near-perfection of the previous Prime games' controls and physics, the Wii controls don't add that much. That said, the Wii remote has its own quirks (such as Z-locking then moving the Wii remote out of the screen to make her cannon appear to rest against her body), and it is a lot more comfortable to hold the Wiimote and Nunchuk. Additionally, the boss fights are...now I will use a word I very infrequently use...sweet. I don't feel the controls are a great improvement, but aiming with the Wii remote is fun nonetheless.

The only thing that keeps the Wii controls from being better than the GC controls is...that it seems as if they take a smidgen of consecration from it; it's...somehow, not as controlled. Perhaps I just have the "Samus is a deadly killing machine who commits genocide" legalistic mentality and feel that she should always move in a certain way.

You travel around to diver's planets (sic, that's an inside joke) like in Metroid Prime: Hunters, however...you do NOT die when you fall off of something. I hated that. I hated that. I hated that. The system for changing planets is better with better cutscenes. It takes longer, but you can see a lot more and have several landing zones to choose from; it's fluid, and is more becoming.


Gameplay:
Well, it's a Prime game. The third in the series. The gameplay is more or less the same as the gameplay in the previous two, not surprisingly. There is a return to the basic, 1-beam weapon system akin to Metroid: Zero Mission. Everything is fine, except that I wish missiles traveled faster...I always wish that, though. Despite not traveling faster, and despite the lack of a burst-fire mode, they are very cool in this game...literally. You technically have two beams, but mainly you only have one.


I felt that MP3 had enough bosses. Some were very imaginative, and many are memorable ("Steam Lord.") Also, as I mentioned, the Wii remote makes the boss battles...sweet. As for the enemies, I disliked the generic Shriek Bats; there were several varieties, all attacked the same, but they had different names and looked different. The cheapest enemies since the Beam-flavored enemies in MP1- to add shame to embarrassment, they completely miss 95% of the time. Losers.


The Space Pirates play a larger role this time around. They're improved greatly, and look cooler. The Flying Pirates are a particular nuisance. The Inglets make a comeback, but they are not called Inglets (they're called "Phazon Ing!" Eugh!)- I would rather the Ing either come back full force, or not come back at all.

There is a new system which awards special tokens to "stylish" moves. The first I discovered was "Bowling for Bots," which entails smashing into a bunch of robots with a Morph Ball Boost. Sometimes these cause short, special cutscenes (a bridge blowing up behind Samus as she walks away). They're cool. I have absolutely no idea how many there are, but it would seem likely that there are many, and if you're the type to use a guide, I'd probably check them all out. They appear to be one-time. I am unsure.

Sound:
Metroid tends to have very good, memorable music. This installment has grand, high female singing (words are not audible; it's sort of "Ahhhh, ah-ooh-ah-uh, ahhh, ah, ah ouahh"). It's very memorable and evokes a lot of emotion. Filled with an agonizing dread, an "I can't believe the day has come" lump in my throat, I almost peed my pants the first time I loaded up the game I was completely unaffected by it as I am an emotionless man!

Voice acting ranges from alright to "that-must-be-a-publicity-stunt" bad (they have a gay man with attitude voice one character); Samus does NOT talk. I really, really dreaded her talking, so I'm relieved. She's perhaps the only truly silent protagonist I know. All the others I know of attempt to talk at times but are cut off (maybe not Link; I am unsure).

Now I will borrow a line from my Metroid Prime review:

One thing with Metroid Prime which wasn't fixed in Prime 2 (or even Prime 3, as far as I can tell), is that enemies do not recoil in pain. I dislike that. I figure you would lose the use of an arm for at least a few seconds if you got shot in the shoulder by an energy weapon. Now, I'm not saying they have to explode and shoot blood and gore 40 feet in each direction. Just...be hurt for a second. Oh, also, I did not see breasts on any of the creatures that I killed (I did not look too closely...), so I can assume I did not kill any females. Never mind how "stunning" limb-wounding would be with the Wii remote (stun humor! Laugh, man!). Also, I did not see breasts on any enemies, so I can assume I did not slaughter any females.



In ending, I give the game a 9.7, along with You're a Moron (Must Have) and Unique Gameplay awards. I will revisit and whittle this review at a later date (complete, Dec. 23; review has currently taken 5.5-6 hours, but I did no whittling!). Samus is not revealed any more than she is in Metroid Prime 2 (that is, she is shown in her zero suit, which is a pretty, blue full-body "jumpsuit"); I am therefore of good cheer. Next up is...The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. Oh, baby. I also just finished ALttP on DS; I may or may not review it.


Note that the review was posted at 3:33 PM originally.

Metroid Prime

Metroid Prime. Where it all began. Uhh, well, sort of. Note: this review is late. It was drafted August 29th, and I finished the game August 27th, I believe.

I am assuming you know what a Metroid is. I wrote a bit about it (as well as a short history and explanation of what exactly a Samus is) in my Metroid Prime 2: Echoes "review" (it was one of the first reviews I ever did, so there aren't many details, but I did write up a slight history). Long story short, the game is fantastic (especially in light of the groundwork it laid), and it is a must-have title, even for the Wii.



At first, I was apprehensive about Prime. I had a terrible fear of Turok 2, and I was afraid "it" would happen again. In fact, I lost my nerve and quit less than an hour into Prime (this was in 2005; Echoes was already out or was to be out shortly). Yet somehow I convinced myself to try again. Best. Decision. Ever.

Soon I discovered Metroid Prime is nothing like Turok (the game that made me stay up all night too afraid to go to the bathroom, sobbing and PEEING ALL OVER MYSELF!). You have tools in Metroid. Notably, the ability to scan, letting you gain information about a lot of things. I like outwitting, and the scanning aspect is great for this. Plus, doesn't it make you want to kill when you don't know what something is?

The story itself is not amazing. It feels generic and is a little boring, much like the graphics (they're fine and certainly fine for such an early title, but a little too "clean"). That said, it does retain its Metroid feel. And though it is very good in that it laid the groundwork for the rest of the trilogy, it's rather bland in this installment. It'd be difficult to discover much of Samus' history through mere in-game scans, something I'd have liked.


One thing with Metroid Prime which wasn't fixed in Prime 2 (or even Prime 3, as far as I can tell), is that enemies do not recoil in pain. I dislike that. I figure you would lose the use of an arm for at least a few seconds if you got shot in the shoulder by an energy weapon. Now, I'm not saying they have to explode and shoot blood and gore 40 feet in each direction. Just...be hurt for a second. Oh, also, I did not see breasts on any of the creatures that I killed (I did not look too closely...), so I can assume I did not kill any females.

The controls are splendid. The fire button is A; I like that, as it makes it seem more digital and advanced. Sorry. The controls are responsive and every single button is used (even the D-pad! Wowzers, Bowser!). The physics are great and easy to get accustomed to, Samus' abilities make it especially fun, and it's even better in Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (much better upgrades in Prime 2).

Despite (or maybe because of) an amazing lock-on combat system, the combat does get repetitive (even if you only play every 6 months or so) and, often times, even in Hard mode, it's just too easy. This was aided somewhat in Metroid Prime 2: Echoes; more enemies were added and given enough moves that you had to watch out for them (ING!). I am perturbed that some of the enemies in Metroid Prime are...wrong. They copy your abilities. It does not fit. It's annoying, and cheap. It makes it feel...God help us all...generic.

Metroid Prime works off of a "beam" weapon system, contained within Samus' awenem arm cannon; there are no guns, and you cannot pick up enemy weapons, and (aside from Missiles) you have unlimited ammunition. The beams seem interesting, and have their uses, however...they are not really that great. The cannon fires..."blunt" shots, so there isn't any blood or gore. That can be good or bad; personally, I don't like it when enemies look like they've been through a blender when you shoot them once with a pistol.

Due to lock-on targeting and scanning, your L-button finger will start hurting if you're not used to the Gamecube paddle. It was a problem for me this playthrough (I had to be mindful not to hold the L button the wrong way), but has not been near a problem in the past (when I was accustomed to the paddle).

The bosses are good (though many are lacking in having meaningful areas), with some exceptions that are near-awesome. It feels a bit clunky moving around the map, and it can get frustrating on a second playthrough. I suppose Prime does not have a totally terrific playthrough rating.


As you may know, Samus is a true silent protagonist; she never goes to try to talk and is interrupted, for example. She just does not talk, at all. She does not even hint at thinking of talking. The girl does not have a tongue, as far as I can tell.

And I am a sucker for silent protagonists. They twist my heart strings. They fly kites with my heart strings. They knit sweaters with my heart strings. They wrap my heart strings around wooden dowels holding together cylindrical pieces of wood and perform tricks titled "around the world" and "walk the dog" with my heart strings. You get the idea.


In ending, I give Metroid Prime a 9.6 out of 10, with You're A Moron (Must Have) and Unique Gameplay ratings.



Oh, also: One extremely good point of Metroid Prime- one which keeps the series above all others in my view- is that even though the main protagonist is a female human with blond hair and blue eyes who has been infused with Chozo (anthropomorphic alien bird) blood, they do not...play that up. She is shown in her armorsuit the entire time. Any skin which is shown is her taking off her helmet once. Oh...her eyes and a good portion of her forehead and nose are shown during elevator cutscenes. Overall, not that much. Very respectable.

Note that I'm not tweaking and screaming about how women shouldn't wear pants; I'm simply stating that, today, when do you ever, and I mean EVER, see a franchise which does not have their females walking around in underwear?

Super Paper Mariohttp://www.blogger.com/post-edit.do

Another Mario game. The question isn't "why do they keep making them." The question is, why do we keep loving them?


Super Paper Mario is a mix of a sidescrolling Mario game and a Paper Mario installment. It's expedient I just suggest an IGN review which I feel does a good job, as the flipping, it does not lend itself well to text-based explanation. It's like trying to win a motor cycle race by throwing spaghetti on the fridge to see if it's done. Which I do NOT do. I use my teeth, and it makes me bitter when people throw spaghetti on the fridge.

In short, I give the game a 9.3, with a You're A Moron rating. That is, you're a moron for not having it (if you have the ability to have it), as it is one of the everyone-has games, such as Goldeneye, Super Smash Bros., Perfect Dark, and Super Mario 64 on the N64. If you disliked previous Paper Mario installments due to the length of battles, it is not an issue this time.


...however, it is an issue in the obverse sense. The boss battles are WAY too short. About 30 seconds. Pitiful. They should have been at least 5 times as long. Upwards of 90% of the battles make you feel weird when you win. Definitely, they screwed up the boss battles in a most profound way. They're also not even remotely difficult; only one battle will scare you as far as dying goes. I don't think any of them will scare you as far as being scared goes. None of the battles made me wet the bed, let me put it that way.

As for the story, the IGN review failed to mention it (or do it justice). I feel it is a very good story. It's a, get this...a romance story! Hah! And I don't mean romance as in Mario rescues Peach, and I am joking. I mean it is romance story. There is no typo there. No missing 'a.'


A tale of forbidden love. Love lost. Worlds destroyed. Love found. Love restored. Love conquering all. Mayhap I am slightly effeminate, but I like the story. I particularly like how you think you've got the story figured out halfway through, then it spins around. The characters were terrific; I think it was because the allies (save for Tippi, your guide) have no personality. They thus had more awenem to spread around to the other characters.


The game centers around a one Count Bleck, who is awesome. I like how he remarks on things in the third person. He has a gang of evildoers who aren't totally bad. Except for this one green chick. My view: green chicks are always evil (unless and until Samus Aran gets a green powersuit, there are no exceptions). And I was right! She does some really inappropriate things, such as twisting her head around several times. Exorcist-style. IN AP PRO PRIATE. This is another reason (aside from the text and mind-bendingly difficult puzzles) the game is not for children. Or impatient people.

Count Bleck has this thing called the Dark Prognosticus. That is, a demonic book of dark prophecies which routinely possesses people and has the ultimate goal of foretelling and seeing to fruition the destruction of all matter in "all worlds." Ooookay. Merlon, your resident creepy-mystic-new-age-dude who you don't really like and who is somehow lacking in grandfatherly qualities (though old, bearded, kind and wise), has the Light Prognosticus, made by his ancestors to combat the Dark Prognosticus.

This he pores over every waking moment desperately to help you out. But...every time he helps, it's either already happened, doesn't happen, is indistinct to the point of inaccuracy, or is not knowledge he garnered from the book. Typically, he'll come and tell you what's about to happen, only to discover that it has already happened. He must have felt pretty lousy.



There are certain things I could have done without, such as Princess Peach being referred to as a "babe." Not only a babe, but a "hot babe." There are other such instances, not necessarily of Princess Peach. I don't like to see the characters looking at each other in a sexual light. It's uh...well, not correct. For any game. Sam Fisher (in Splinter Cell: Double Agent) did not say that Dr. VillaHottie was a hot babe. Although a guard did call her Dr. VillaHottieWhatever. But that was a guard, and he was...dispatched, shortly thereafter. Let's hope he was right with God.


Speaking of which, there is also a level which deals with where game characters, at least Mario characters, go when they die. Their "game ends." If they're good...they go to a paradise. If they're bad, they go to a hell (like a really paranoid, false view of Christianity; that is, if you're good, you make it). A hell complete with dreary surroundings and demons, serving a demonic queen. She's, uh, on the good side. Somehow. I forget if they pay a time in hell then are transferred to paradise, or if they have an eternal hell.


Missing from this installment was something I really liked from Paper Mario 2; characters talking in the background. I liked that. I miss it; though Paper Mario 2 didn't even do it enough.

There are certain things I like about Super Paper Mario, and certain things I like about Paper Mario 2, and Paper Mario was good but had a lot of things missing. The real shame about Super Paper Mario is there is some difficulty in interaction with other characters...and a certain...lack, of memorable characters. I do not know why. They did such a good job with memorable characters in Paper Mario 2; you know, that game seemed more finished.


Not that Super Paper Mario seems unfinished- just not as grand in scale. I bet the future Paper Mario's will have a selection between heavy-RPG (turn-based) and light-RPG (Super Paper Mario). Once more, it gets a 9.3 and a You're A Moron rating. Go get it now for $34 from Half.com.

Paper Mario

For the Virtual Console.

If you've been roasting in Hell for the last 500 years, you'll need me to explain Paper Mario. It's an RPG. Mario is flat (they jokingly say he slimmed down), thus the "Paper" part. Everything is paper, actually. It allows a really fabulous graphics system. You'd have to see it, and it's even more fantastic in Paper Mario 2. Still, there are some awe-inspiring scenes, which are...nice.


You have a standard leveling system in the form of star points. Once you get 100 of these, you level up (duh!). You can put a level into either HP, FP (Flower points, call them magic points) or BP (Badge points). Badge points allow you to don badges, which range from attacks such as Sleep Stomp to Deep Focus. Attacks such as Sleep Stomp use Flower points; the more powerful the attack (typically), the more Flower points it uses.

You have a hammer and boots to attack with. You go through the world like any normal Mario adventure, but attacking enemies is different- when you jump on them, hammer them, or attack them with an ally (or the enemy attacks/bumps into you), it starts a turn-based battle sequence. You get one turn, then your allies (they're cool) get a turn, then the enemy attacks. Then it's your go again until the battle is over, at which point you get star points, eventually leveling up.

You have access to items. Flower points are restored with sweet things like syrup or jelly, health points by mushrooms, coconuts, berries, etc. You can cook via a chef in town. You could take a Super Mushroom (10 HP) and combine it with Maple Syrup (10 FP) to make a Maple Super, restoring 10 HP and 10 FP, but only using 1 turn (important, as it's turn-based).


As for the story, it's somewhat-standard. Bowser has once again kidnapped the Princess, Peach. However, he also kidnapped the seven Star Spirits (and their little Star Rod, too!). These things, which all have different personalities ("nerdy bookreader" star is one of them, for example) reside in Star Haven (which I thought was Star Heaven for years), where they receive wishes and grant them. They are assisted by many stars who aren't as "stellar" as they are, Star Kids. They're...star kids.

People make wishes, giving the Star Spirits power, then they grant the wishes, so people make more wishes, granting more power. They're a sort of deity, and they do not take it too far. Anyway, they make use of this magical thing called the Star Rod to grant the wishes. Bowser steals this (he's angry that they never grant his wishes), making himself invincible. Great.


The story may not sound too inventive, but I feel it is. Much, much more so than previous Mario titles (though, I am not sure about that older Mario RPG). You can talk to just about every character in the game, save enemies, to get information. There's a little bit of humor, such as one of Mario's partners (allies) is a fish...named "Sushie." Her daughter is named "Sashimie." Kinda unnerving, sort of funny.

That's another thing- Mario has allies in this adventure. They walk around with him, they all have their own abilities and attacks, and really, there's not much more to it. What I really like about Paper Mario is the ability to multi-task. I can listen to a sermon on a tape player and also play. Or listen to music. It's not too involved until you get to tough fighting or talking, and the story isn't so deep that you're going to miss something.

I spent right around 30 hours playing; on a first playthrough, I'd spend 35-40. My Brother spent 27 or so on his first playthrough...he'll regret it when he gets to the final boss. Which is very, very tough. Not as tough as the nail-biting 5+ hours you'll spend fighting your way through the 100 Trials in Paper Mario 2...but still tough. Enough items would make it easy and simple, my Brother's only hope.

My personal opinion of Paper Mario is very high. It does not introduce technology like Paper Mario 2 does, nor is its plot as intricate. Paper Mario 2 kind of got frustrating when dealing with those finicky enemies...you know, the ones that had tons of armor or powered themselves up and just would not die. I suppose Paper Mario is simpler, with Paper Mario 2 being more complicated with a bit of a dreary feel (though the fighting level = unsurpassed by ANY NON-METROID GAME EVER!).

So, I give Paper Mario a 9.6 out of 10, but its replay value is somewhat low. It's ingenious, sure, but I never, EVER want to see a Paper Metroid. Hear me, Nintendo?

No Paper Smash Brothers, either. Or Paper Donkey Kong's. That freak is too stupid to exist as paper.

Next up is...well...Super Paper Mario. This'll be interesting. I dislike what I read about it, and I predict a personal rating of 7.6. I bet I'm wrong. I just heard my brother die fighting some tough enemy in the other room. A Storm Koopa, no doubt. Those purple-shelled menaces.

Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Double Agent

Seeing's how this is the fourth game, I will bypass explaining what a Splinter Cell is. There are two versions, and not just graphics-wise. Apparently, they're completely different games, sharing the major plot. There's the high-def version and the low-def version for the "last gen" systems. And the Wii. Aw, we still love you, Wii! At least you don't let off as much heat as a jet engine and take up twice as much electricity. And space. And oxygen. That's MY oxygen, DAMN IT! GRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHH!


Controls
I am not sure what to say about the controls. They definitely do not detract from gameplay in any way. The question is, do they enrich the gaming experience? Hmm. Well, there's nothing done which could not have been done with a controller, and constantly having to point the Wii Remote at the screen is a lot of work for how little is accomplished. Not as innovative as we'd hope for the Wii.

The only real problem is the sidling, accomplished by twisting the Nunchuk sideways. It's too sensitive, and it's too easy to get stuck on a wall. Needs to be disableable. What? Disableable isn't a word? You rotate the Wii Remote to pick locks, which I like a TON more than rotating the analog stick. I felt like such a fool when I used to rotate the analog stick.

All in all, the controls work fine, but like I said, it's nothing that couldn't have been done with a normal controller. Speaking of which, I wish they would have allowed the use of GC controllers- isn't it pretty simple to do? No engineering control setup, as we have them from the old Splinter Cell games. Anyway, the gun does not go wherever you aim however fast you aim, much to my displeasure. Perhaps they could have had a "realistic" mode and an "unrealistic" mode, one where the gun goes wherever you aim, but...I digress.


Weapons
As for weapons, let's begin with gadgets. You have the tracker, which lets you see where guards are over the entire map. Their location refreshes every few seconds, including which direction they're facing. There's a not-too-useful fingerprint scanner, amongst other non-useful and rarely-used kit. The tracker is just dandy.

There is a fantastic new weapon, which I just love. It is a dedicated Launcher, like the one on the SC-20K. This gun, called the SC-303 Compact Launcher, is roughly the size and shape of a large pistol, and typically you get it when you're not supposed to murder. It has new ammunition, exclusive to it: rubber bullets.

These function the same as Airfoil rounds, but you get --twenty- -four-- of them. I just love this gun. You also get some tranquilizer darts exclusive to it. They put people to sleep...slowly. Few things make you feel more cunning than shooting someone in the crotch four times with tranquilizers designed to put a human adult male to sleep with one shot. They won't be having children anytime soon! Hah hah hah!

It also has the OCP and, speaking of cameras, it has another new, Launchable item: the EMP ammunition (not exclusive to it). This gadget puts electronics (not just cameras) to sleep, permanently. Very impressive, not often useful, but sometimes, it's a life-saver.

You seem to get many more weapons in this game; both the Sniper and Shotgun SC-20K attachments are present at most times, but you do get a little less ammunition (seriously, who uses that stuff anyway?!). I miss the old loadout screen, but I can live without it. You also have airfoil, sticky shocker, and sticky camera rounds, sometimes six of each, sometimes less, probably dependent upon the trust meter.


Double Agent
Speaking of the trust meter, it will play an important role in your decisions. You're working for Third Echelon as a subversive, double agent ...at JBA (John Brown's Army). There are typically opposing directives, such as do not kill these guards, and do kill these guards. There are some tough decisions to make. Some are so tough they're easy, and it's the small ones that will get you. Sometimes you have to compromise and only kill half of the guards (as silly as that is).

Each time you complete an objective for the JBA, the trust meter will move a little to their side. The same is true of Echelon's side. The really, really fun part of this whole thing is balancing the trust meter. The better it is balanced, the more weapons you get (not to sound violent or apathetic, I do feel empathy for those poor, stressed guards).

The sad, sad part of this, is that you can balance the trust meter to the best of your abilities, thinking so hard of how to best complete the mission...but if you move too far to either side, and the other sees you as a traitor...all you have to do is go to a "contact" point and "pickup" more trust. Worse, doing this at the end of a mission sometimes gets you closer to the middle than painstakingly balancing objectives. It adds about a third of trust to the meter, where it needs to add more like a tenth. It should add just enough to get you by. But it adds a ton.

I went until the very end without once bottoming out the trust meter (it's sort of a "kill-millions-of-people-or-bottom-out-meter" thing), so it is possible. There should be some terrible death scene, Echelon turning on me if I went too far to JBA, and JBA killing me if I went too far to Echelon. But no. Regardless, this makes for terrific weight put on every decision if you pretend. Gah. You have to pretend.

The story is very...dramatic. Sad. Heavy. But enough with sad stories, heavy storylines, and dramatic premises. Onto the last quarter!


Splinter Cell
The first SC game I got was Chaos Theory, the third in the series. I went a long time without checking out the first or second (so is the curse of not numbering things). I was a lot duller back then.

What I love most about the SC series is messing with the guards. You can knock out a guard, then pick him up, and carry him to the edge of a cliff, and drop him off. Not to sound evil, but I find that hilarious. You go through all the effort of knocking them out, then drop them to their doom. At least they're asleep, right? Man, the dreams they must dream. You have the heat-sensitive goggles, so you can see if they're alive or dead. Typically, I will leave one guard alive per mission. Maybe two. If they answer a question or don't try to kill me, or honorably plead for their lives, I will let them live. Ask and you shall receive.

Opposite all this killing and playing tricks on the guards, but in the same mindset, I like to throw smoke bombs on dead guards, and make like they're having really bad gas. My brother finds this hilarious as well, and then I have to carry the guy somewhere, complaining all the way about how he smells really terrible. I sometimes bring other passed out guards to the dead one who's off gassing, and then they have to wake up next to a dead guard which is having a horrible case of post-death gas. Rofl.

If I kill someone I don't want dead, I will repeatedly try to revive them with a Sticky Shocker (it does NOT work, but it seems like it might). Oh, the joys of messing with guards in Splinter Cell. Call it cruelty, but it's fun. I don't know if it's "violent." I consider violent running through the mission, miserably slaughtering everyone with the knife, and being in the mindset that you're killing all these people. I don't do that, and if I feel something is too violent (such as shooting people in the face with the shotgun attachment), I don't do it.

So, used wrong, these games, this game, can express immense amounts of violence and cruelty. Used right, it can lead to hours of playing tricks on guards, ranging from shocking them to sleep when they're five feet off the ground on a ladder, to shooting rubber bullets at them from one patch of shadow, then moving to the next, each time snickering as they aim for where the shot came from as soon as they come out of their stupor. Poor stupid guards.

I give this game a 9.5 out of 10. That is, I highly recommend it, and someday I'll review the X360 version. Just as soon as I pick up an Xbox 360. It has a lot of the same buttons as Nintendo paddles, right?...cause that'd make me feel more at home...and Paper Mario is next up. I have downloaded it off of the Virtual Console already.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

The epic adventure, in full 3D. Released in late 1998 for the N64. Put on a Gamecube disc (Master Quest), thus porting it to the Gamecube. Released on Wii's virtual console. Played by Kev. Said by some to be the greatest game of all time.



The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is about a young lad named Link. Here, he is growing up with the Kokiri, a race of children who never age, and possess fairies. Link, however, does not possess a fairy, and possibly may not stop growing! One day, the Great Deku Tree (-- talking -- tree --) sends him a fairy, named Navi, and summons him. A sword, shield and slingshot later, the adventure has begun.


Ocarina of Time- at least the first part- follows a basic pattern. Forest, Lava/Fire, Water. The name of the game implies an Ocarina. You get one of those, and you play songs on it. The songs do stuff, such as Zelda's Lullaby- by far the most played song in the game- which is a way of proving you are on a mission from the Royal Family, opening certain doors, etc. I must say, this element was a fantastic idea. There are "warping" melodies, to get you to around faster, a melody for calling your horse, and a few others (which are neat!).

Navi, Link's fairy, is awesome. I have heard her called annoying. Wow, no way. I just wish she'd talk more, and give more information on things- but not all game characters can have Samus Aran's totally awenem Power Suit, can they?


Bad things:

The game includes certain elements I do not enjoy. For one, it has "gods" in it. These gods, which happen to be female, are named Nayru, Farore, and Din. It is unclear if these are "gods," or just very powerful beings. There is essentially no difference. They created the land of Hyrule (they molded the planet, I think, not "created out of nothing"), which Ocarina of Time is based in. It is important to note that the "gods" are not extensively referenced to as they are in The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (despite using the term more often, TP is less offensive).

Then there is a level which has certain...dark properties. It has references to the "spirits" talking, as well as skulls every which way on many walls. It is, I suppose, the "death" level. I do not enjoy it, and it keeps Ocarina of Time from being very high on my list. That's the way it goes. The level is somewhat short, and the boss is hilarious, yet scary and menacing, all at the same time (those severed arms...oh man).

There is also magic, but it is not "dark arts" magic. It is a way to justify fire and such. There is no spell casting- the closest I saw was Link making a "throwing" action to the ground, from which fire erupted. There is no other special ceremony or utterances accompanying this action. You could call it a spell casting, but you'd have to be looking to call it that.

All that said, it sounds worse than it is. The goddesses as a matter of importance are minuscule and the "magic," is barely noticeable. As I said, the "death" level is the worst part. I hate it.


There are several races in the game. One, which I've mentioned, are the Kokiri- children of the forest, who have fairies, and never grow up. Then there are the Hylians, humans with elf ears (perhaps more elven features, perhaps not). They have a castle, and even a moat around their city! Also, their castle is as big- if not twice as big- as their city. And we think OUR politicians are corrupt! There are also the Gorons (rock eaters), Zoras (mermaid fish), Sheikah (guards), and Gerudo (all-female race of thieves), and I am hoping I didn't leave any out.



The controls are fine (it was made for the N64 paddle, remember). It takes a bit to get used to using the C-stick on the Gamecube controller, but you can use Y and X for C-up and C-right. Now, the classic controller...I cannot comment on. I assume it works. But I can't grasp (literally) how to use the analog sticks and hold the paddle at the same time. It needs to be coated in rubber, I think.

I have nothing to say on the story, as I've heard it before. I love the contrast of childhood innocence and adult...uhh...seriousness. I also love that you can see horror and destruction, then go back to before it occurred. Also, the different levels are amazing. Humorous moments are extremely rare compared to Majora's Mask, but there are some.


I rate the game 9.4, generally, and it is held back by some of the same things Twilight Princess is. I would rate Majora's Mask slightly higher. If you haven't already played Ocarina of Time, well, simply put, you're an idiot.


As for my personal score, which shouldn't have any effect on your decisions regarding this game, well, the "death" level brings it down to a 7.7. For me, personally. That sucks, yes, but so does the "death" level. It is a major factor in deciding upon a replay or not.

Next up is Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Double Agent. Dear God, may the controls be bearable!

Dear Fanboy,

I am hale, and pleased you are in good health. I am also very sorry to read this.

As you stated in your letter, I do believe the problem may be remedied. With further weapons upgrades available. However, the overall tone seemed to hint at a type of disinterest. If that is the case, no amount of weapons upgrades can compensate for it.

Please accept my sincerest apologies for environmental failures. In the future, we will aim to correct accordingly. We welcome you back anytime.

Be well.

Adon
Speaker, Chamber of Voices

Dear Turok 2: Seeds of Evil,

Greetings, and salutations,

I hope you are well in health. I am. As I am considerably certain you have noted, I have been lacking in play time, and, speaking on this regard, there is a matter, most urgent, I believe we must discuss.


It has came to my attention that I no longer find pleasure in playing you. The Fifth Level has visually repetitive areas, and the new weapon is found wanting; it does not do a satisfactory job at dispatching Mantids. This troubles me. If you consider a way to remedy this occurrence, please be forthwith with your reply.

Furthermore, I consider the Sixth Level as a future headache. Backtracking over the Levels collecting the Primagen Keys is not close to the top on my register of events I desire to have accomplished in my existence.

Please note, that reasons above are not entirely rooted in that I have played Metroid: Zero Mission. If blind of the fact, I find the overall experience still severely lacking; indeed, I cannot clearly suggest a reason for playing.
Further, this predominant dread, coupled with the toweringly, extraordinarily magnificent experience of said Zero Mission, you are found, as a whole, inadequate, on more than one level.

The first four Levels were satisfactory in their difficulty, and their length. For that, I thank you. Nevertheless, I do not consider I will find occasion to play you any more.

In light of said matter, it is expedient that you not find this letter as containing offense, or as containing vitriolic statements, and find it free of deviltry. If I have left any matter unresolved, or failed to mention any matter, I pray you, respond posthaste.


May God have His blessing on you, and be well; furthermore, goodbye.
My highest regards to the Speaker,










Kevinsky Stewartsky
Christian Infidel. Human being.

Metroid: Zero Mission

My first ever 2D (that is, side-scrolling, as in, not 3D, as in, grow a brain you fool) Metroid adventure. I always thought these 2D games, the newer ones, were a little silly. Was I wrong? Was I hopelessly deluded? Should I feel ashamed of myself for months?


The answer to those questions and many more is a strong yes, I was a moronic slave-zombie to the masses of anti-Samus girlphobic fools. The game is purely outstanding. At first, it feels a little strange. Then it sets in that this is a Metroid game. Then you're happier than a leaping frog in zero gravity! "WHEEE!" the leaping frog joyfully croaks!

Zero Mission is the original, 1987 Metroid updated with new graphics, and an engine like the one in Metroid: Fusion. The physics are different (from the original), and it has new items. I don't know what kind of new items.

It also comes with the original 1987 Metroid, unedited, unlockable at the end. I did not play this version. Soon enough, I'll play the original and see what new stuff was added.

I give the game a 10 out of 10. It created a very Metroidy atmosphere (which is fabo!). It is definitely, without a doubt, one of my favorite games. Easily. It is short, though- it took me 4 hours and about 45 minutes.

That is not a drawback- I don't know why. There is so much packed into such a short time.

Onto the spoiler review!


Metroid: Zero Mission spoilers follow.





You start out on a deserted planet. No...wait...it isn't.

It sure looks deserted, though. It is apparently the Space Pirate's base- their security is lax at best. You must destroy the Metroid species, along with the Space Pirate's base computer, the Mother Brain- a giant brain. I mean, like 7 foot tall! GIANT. PILE. OF. BRAIN.


There are items scattered everywhere. The high point for me was when I found that energy tank on the ceiling- randomly. Oh man, I was elated. The game succeeds in making some of the smallest tasks satisfying. Such as destroying your first Metroid- awesome. I thought I'd never get used to fighting them...I do not like killing Metroids as much in the Prime series. They're more of an annoyance somehow. And they're much bigger in this game, aren't they?


The fight with Kraid was fun- he's freakin' huge! And launches missiles out of his belly! GIANT ORGANIC MISSILES!

The fight with Ridley was also neat. I...I died three times as I attempted to kill Ridley, I admit it. I also died once before that. I whipped Kraid's Kraid butt, though. I loved the cut scenes leading up to Ridley- just like in Metroid Prime. Harrowing.


Mother Brain seems to pop out of nowhere. I didn't expect to see THAT thing at all! Whew. It took me several- and I mean like 8- attempts to kill the Mother Brain. It was frustrating, but once you get the hang of it, it's fine. I have a bitter hatred for the defenses around her. Grrr.


This is when the old Metroid left off, right after Mother brain. This one, Zero Mission, has the "rest of the story."


Samus is shot down and lands near the Space Pirate Mother Ship.

Her Suit is malfunctioning- she no longer has it, in fact.


All she has is her body, her zero suit, her ponytail, and a rather useless energy pistol.

She even says so herself. I forget how she words it. But it is something along the lines of "a rather useless energy pistol." She retained the previously gathered energy tanks, though, and the Power Grip (allowing her to grab onto edges, oh joy!).

I love the text of her talking (no vocal speech)- like she's keeping a diary. This was definitely missing from Prime. She goes on to say that it probably isn't the smartest thing to do to sneak into the Space Pirate Mother Ship with only a worthless pistol, but after all, she has no choice.

Here is a brave woman. Here is the epitome of bravery. She knows what she has to do. She doesn't exactly like the idea of infiltrating the ship, but she has to. Or she'll die.

She looks awesome in her zero suit, by the way. I mean, not like, awesome in that way. I mean she looks cool. The pistol can charge. It does so automatically, and when charged- which takes 4 seconds or so, if memory serves- it can stun things for a brief period. Otherwise, it's useless for all but destroying wall panels.

What follows is quite possibly the greatest slice of video game I have ever experienced.

You have to run from the Space Pirates.


You heard me. Run. Run like your life depends on it. Because hers does.

They scale walls, lock security barriers to block you- follow you through doors, crawl after you under spaces, and shoot at you. Each shot does 100 damage. They fire two at a time. It is splendidly avoidable- it's hard to avoid the shots, but it's so possible. I can't describe it. If you touch them they also do damage- I think 100 as well, not positive.


So you RUN, RUN through the ship. There are save spots. If a pirate sees you, or a sensor picks you up, the alarm is sounded, and the chase is on! Pirates flood out of NOWHERE. Through this door, through that door- as I said, THEY CLIMB UP WALLS.

So you're bounding ledge over ledge- and they're crawling up the wall chasing you. The energy pistol is splendorous. It allows you to make split-second decisions- to shoot a pirate following you, and slow him down, or just keep running and shoot him in a few seconds- or just concentrate on running.

It's frantic, and it's amazingly fun. This is the part that put Zero Mission over the top, brought it from a 9 to a 10.

The chases do not last forever. You hide on ledges, and a pirate will run past you- that is, if you're hidden well enough. It's mind-wracking waiting to see if the pirate is going to run past or spot you.

And there are times when you have no choice but to sit down and hide. And you know if the pirate follows you, it's game over. And...he doesn't. Yes, this is a wonderful part of the gameplay. It is just amazing. You really give up- you know you're dead if he sees you. Nice. Very nice.

I won't spoil anymore for you. I mean, if you've read this far, you've hopefully already played the game.

I died several times, I mean, probably 25+ during the Space Pirate Mother Ship section. It's tough. It's more fun than tough, thankfully.

When Samus dies, she is shown in her Zero Suit, unlike the original Metroid. In the original, she was shown in a bikini. This is what really confused the girlphobic, sexually insecure boys who thought Samus was a dude.

"Man, that dude's HAWT!" they railed as their eyes twitched uncontrollably. "HE'S A DUDE." "WOW HE IS WEARING A BIKINI THAT IS HAWT," they tried every manner of justification, never wanting to accept that Samus is a girl. As a result they became very confused and frustrated. End result?


These people grew up to be child molesters and rapists.*


*-uhm, probably.

Turok 2: Seeds of Evil: Level 3: The Death Marshes

The Death Marshes. Adon sets a harrowing tone. It is dark. The Death Marshes are inhabited by the fearsome Purrlin, ape-like creatures which are terrifyingly strong. The Primagen (the main enemy, the reason you're in this game) has armed these primitive creatures with advanced weaponry, stored within Weapon Storage Facilities. Three of them. You must blow those up.

The Purrlin have also kidnapped 5 prisoners. You must rescue these prisoners.

The Purrlin are also trying to destroy the Energy Totem. You must defend it. Onto the review!



I have heard that this level is long. Like, painfully long. It isn't. It is probably the shortest level I have seen. Also, it's fun. I wonder where I got that idea? Perhaps there were Purrlin in the first Turok. Regardless, now onto the review!


Level 3 Spoilers!




The Purrlin are pretty big, and supply a few scares- jumping out from under a bridge is my favorite (like a troll!). There are three main enemies, as well as the usuals- Endtrails, and a few Raptoids. Also, there are Raptors. I feel the Purrlin should run faster...but other than that, they're fine.

Quite sadly, they do not have a leader. Considering the considerable ease of adding in a leadertype unit, I'm slightly sickened.


The least menacing Purrlin is the War Club. They're unarmed, but (if rocks are available) throw rocks (2 foot diameter!) which hurt. They punch you, which does around 10 damage if it connects. Then, they seem to do a weaker punch, which only does 2-3 damage. If you try to run past them, they usually get a few of those on you.
They're pretty easy to kill. About as tough as an Endtrail, but way less weak points- their only weak point is their head, yet they do recoil in pain occasionally on limbshots. 3 or so Shredder rounds, or 1 lucky shot, even from a Mag 60 will extinguish them. In the picture below, he is saying hello. They do move around nicely, even if they're 5% too slow. They lumber. L:)




The second most menacing, and I'm rating by "if I was in a room with it" here, is the Gunner. It's a bit shorter, and all-around smaller Purrlin than the War Club. It has a giant, say...4 foot by 3 foot by 2-feet-deep, backpack type thing, which has ROCKS in it- small rocks, think David and Goliath. In the right picture, he is spread out over the ammo backpack...that's how big the "box of rocks" is.

















I know what 10 explosive shredder rounds looks like. I forget how I got to that, most likely I used all my normal rounds, but I assure you, I was not cheating. Either that, or I used an Explosive arrow and then switched to shredder in case the job wasn't done. Probably that.

The rocks in this backpack, it shoots them at you. It's awesome how they bounce off [you]. They go flying! Anyways, they do about 1 damage each; but it's a rock machine gun. It adds up. Speaking of the rock machine gun, that's hence the name "Gunner."
It has a tube which feeds the rocks to the gun, and it makes a nice sound. Thwack thwack thwack. Not like that, but it's close. No...well, not really. Somewhat like that. They're annoying sometimes, but they die with one shredder shot. Speaking of which, new weapon is the Shredder!

It's an alien type of gun- an upgrade to the shotgun. I really wish there were descriptions for them, so I knew where it came from. It takes normal shotgun shells (and you thought you'd never use those again!) and transforms them into...shredder rounds. Somehow it turns it into a beam. The beam then bounces off of walls. It's great for small areas, such as tunnels (but not that great). I don't know if it's more powerful than the Shotgun, but it's funner to use and fires faster. Causes lag, which can freak you out easily.



The most menacing of the Purrlin is the Juggernaut. It has armor! AND A GIANT SWORD WITH A PLASMA GUN ATTACHED! They're bigger than the War Clubs. They have a helmet (so no head shots) and their upper body is armored, along with their legs, so their stomach is a soft spot. They're easily dropped if you have the Shock Dart Gun and the...war blade.

If not for having those from the fourth level, I would have had lots of trouble. They just keep coming at you. These really fulfill a need for overly-strong, brute, ape-thing...things. See pictures, below. I asked him to let down his hair; he didn't enjoy that joke. I stood there for a while looking at him, and finally he told me to go away. He couldn't get down.


















Speaking of the Plasma gun he uses (it is above the handle on his sword in left pic, the green part), you get a new weapon- the Plasma Rifle! I'll be quite honest here, it sucks! On paper, it does a good job at sniping, but the feel is wrong. Kind of like sniping with a shotgun. Totally wrong.

It does moderate damage (about as much as a shredder round, but fires slowly), and comes with 150 ammunition...each shot, however, uses 5 rounds of ammo. So it's a 30-shot magazine. However, in ammo spawn areas, one pack is all that's needed to completely refill it. It does do a good job at being another weapon to use, as just having a shotgun and Mag 60 means you run out of ammo faster.

The area you get it in then presents you with a nice array of targets to snipe. But like I said, sniping doesn't feel right with the rifle.

Another new weapon is the Grenade Launcher. It...well, it sucks. I hope it gets an RPG upgrade like it did in Turok 3. A grenade bouncing around, Goldeneye-grenade-launcher style...which means it can, and usually will, bounce back and hit you. Too much trouble to use, honestly- it is weak on top of being dangerously inaccurate. This level is having some bad luck with new weapons! It took three shots to kill a Gunner (not counting misses), which normally takes a lone Shredder round. Adon does sound great saying "Grenade Launcher" though. Her voice is as golden as the din of silence.



The Flesh Eaters also made an appearance - as well as another Talisman Chamber. This time we got the Breath of Life by the Blue Eagle Feather, but it kinda sucks...kinda.
Back to the Flesh Eaters, this time wasn't too bad compared to Level 4, probably due to the upper hand I had, in the form of the Shock Dart Gun. I love that thing!

I got some pictures of a blind Death Guard, who we'll call Hank.


Here are some pictures of the Flesh Eaters...dead. The first, or the left, is a Sentinel (dude with the sword), bleeding. I had shot him. The other...is two Death Guards and a Lord of the Flesh. You can see the dead Lord of the Flesh in front, then the dead Death Guard.
















The Lord of the Flesh (let's call him leaderflesh) was killed first. Then a Death Guard. Then the last one standing was blind Hank (he didn't know WHAT was going on!), so I proceeded to photograph him:


















Doesn't he just look like he doesn't want to be there? Calling out to his Flesh Eater friends..."Hey guys...heh heh...guys...you there? What was that shooting? And why did I hear ...shocking?...guys?...heh heh, yeah, good one...guys..."...then he just...accepts the fact that anything could be in that room with him. It'd be like being with a regiment of Marines, and you're blind; and you hear gunfire, weird shocking noises, and all the associated battle sounds...then silence. And one being walking around. Snapping pictures.

AWW MAN. NOW I FEEL BAD FOR KILLING HIM! I'M SORRY HANK.



Some good news, once again, none of the Purrlin I saw had breasts, so I assume I did not slaughter any female Purrlin. Let them tell that to their children. "Well, he came in here, and slaughtered all the soldiers and left the women and children unharmed! What a guy."

I considered the Totem fight fun. Here are some pictures of death. The first is a Raptoid, who had his upper body blown off. Serves him right, he jumped me. Second is a Juggernaut which got in the way. As you can see, his head is missing. Good examples of the over-the-top violence of this game.




















Overall I give the level an 8 out of 10. The objectives were easy to locate, so there was no frustration. Just one time backtracking. Well, two, because I missed a key. Like an idiot. The enemies were tough, but not too tough, and it didn't get boring fighting them. Goodnight.

GoldenEye and TWINE, Both Movie And Game

The World Is Not Enough- one of my favorite movies from when I was a kid. Does it stand the test of time? I can't wait to find out!!!

Well, sadly, no. I am going to discuss video games. Why? LOL! Why not?!

Goldeneye...the movie, it completely, totally, completely, sucked. If Adon were speaking, she would say "Ultra Sucked," and it would be cute, because she would have worded it badly, because that doesn't normally make sense. It would make her sound a bit ditsy, but cute.


Why did Goldeneye suck? Oh my, I do not know why. It did, though. It was terrible. It was disgusting, it was so pitiful. That may just be my opinion- despite the many differing locales, and environments, it was terrible. Maybe that was it- too many locales, too many terrible scenes. Like when they blew up that helicopter with its own missiles. What the hell kind of helicopter has the ability to target ITSELF? Why?

I also did not like Natalya. I don't know, some people have a thing for Russian chicks, but not me. I did like the Natalya in the video game though. Xenia Onatopp was ROLF DOLF LOL "Over the 'topp!'" LOL!!!!!1 I MADE THAT UP INSTANTLY!


It was pretty idiotic how they (007 and Xenia) met. It was the equivalent of China invading lower Switzerland (what?), and as a result, a Chinese man falls in love with a random chick in an African tribe of head hunters- however the hell he got all the way to Africa. And however he didn't get his head hunted.

I do not like James Bond's way of dealing with women. I never picked up on this when I was younger. He's a pig, and that's being nice. For some people, this must be seen as, "Wow, that's cool; he's so awesome!" I assume these people are idiots. Or they are just pigs themselves.


The game Goldeneye was so, so much better than the movie. And the game TWINE was much, much better than the movie. It's not that the games were the best ever or anything. No. Hollywood just sucks.

I give Goldeneye a 3 out of 10. I give The World Is Not Enough a 5.5 out of 10.

I give Goldeneye a 9 out of 10. I give The World Is Not Enough a 7.6 out of 10.

I'll leave it up to you to guess which ones are the games' scores, and which ones are the movie scores.


If you need a hint, let me leave the loser with these words:

Hollywood, you bunch of miserable, drossy, ineffectual washouts, you have failed. You make me sick.

Braveheart

Wow. Blogger looks weird. It's all, baby blue, and wider than usual. Onto the review, with no major spoilers.


Braveheart starts out with a man going to a meeting of nobles, who seek to make peace with the King of England. His son tags along, he tells him to go home. They come upon the hut, and find that the nobles are all slaughtered, and hung. Their bodies are pale, zombie-like. Lots of them. Probably upwards of 30, though I think each one has a scribe with him- so 15+ nobles.

Then his son sees the dead bodies. His sons name is William. He discovers at that point that the King is evil I suppose. For this injustice, his Dad sets out with, I believe they said 50 others, to vanquish the great evil.

They're no female bounty hunters. Alot of them, I imagine, got slaughtered. Along with William's Dad. Then, his uncle whom I assume he has not met before, adopts him. His uncles name is Argyle. Are-guy-all.




So, the dead bodies were a bit graphic for me. I had to constantly remind myself during this movie that these people are only actors, so it's okay to laugh. And laugh I did. Like, when that one dude got a sword between his legs. Lol! Sorry dude who got the sword between his legs. You were a good comic relief.


The battles were...how shall I put this...boring. A simple action, such as the slicing of a throat, holds so much more...sway, shall I put it.


The dude falls in love with some chick. Murron, I believe is her name- not Moron. The King of England, whom we'll henceforth refer to as Englandorf, has enacted a particularly bad law. I forget the reason for it- I apologize, and will watch it again sometime soon and edit this with a reason.

The law allows the local lord, which is, probably a Mayoral figure, to... I believe it was termed, "allowed to have sexual relations with the bride on the first night of the marriage." The point in this was, if I recall correctly, to breed the Scottish out of existence- or a bit at least. Englandorf says, "The problem with Scotland is that it's full of Scots."


This is shown to the viewer as a local lord runs up on a wedding, and takes the bride. She has to be all selfless and stuff. It, I feel, would hold more sway with different people. I for one did not feel any sway, as...I don't know. It's a powerful scene for sure, but I did not feel the power. I just saw it. They do not show the goings-on of the, well, you know.


So, the fighting scenes, which should be a strong point, just didn't do it for me. I am sure they will be better with further watchings, but I had a hard time seeing what was going on- or believing it. They were funny, however.

At one point, William cuts a guards leg off, clean, four inches above the knee- with only a slicing sound. Also, the guard had leg armor on. One guard was running at William, and William threw a sword at him, knocking him down instantly- the guard would keep running I think, and barely feel the sword. Another part, someones head was cut clean off. And the swords look too good, and are flimsy. They never steal the bow and arrows- William's army, that is. Apparently, bowmen COMPLETELY OWN EVERYTHING, yet they did not have thousands of them.

The movie did make me shed a tear at one point, whenever William was kneeling, begging forgiveness (silently) from some dude. The guy was pissed. And I mean pissed. But he forced himself to forgive him.


There is minor nudity, in the form of Murron's breasts, halfway shown in the shadows. I don't know if I consider that nudity, and there's no graphic sex scene the likes which you would see in a modern-day G movie. You know, children's shows and such. I am not a fan of nudity, which is why I tossed RE 1 and 2, and Bad Moon. Plus they were, y'know, about evil. I shouldn't expect, y'know, morals from them.

Cursing; F-word is worst, there are others, I didn't chronicle them.


Englandorf's Son is gay- he is called, by his cousin, "his sodomite cousin." When he had his wedding to Isabelle (Sophie Marceau), the Princess of Wales, he was looking into the crowd at his lover. Then he kinda painfully, leaned over quicklike and kissed her on the cheek. Not like, he missed, and tried to make like he meant to, either. The word is "peck." I don't know if that's historically accuratte...woah. Woah. Accurate. Accurate. Okay...so, I don't even know if this movie is based on a true story. And I don't have time to research tonight.

At one point with my recorder, I said something, then aimed the recorder towards the TV to get Englandorf's opinion. I did this completely subconsciously. I was commenting on how he was kicking his son, and it looked like he wanted to say something, rofl. I am a loser. I got 4 AAA batteries, rechargeables, so I will continue this spree of recording notes, both with video games and movies.

Overall, the movie is great. I assume it gets better with time as well. It's inspiracational!

Turok 2: Seeds of Evil: Level 4

I accidentally skipped level 3. I have 3 levels to go; the last one scares me a good bit.


I have never liked this level- even though, design-wise, it's pretty good. Truth be told, I was stupid when I was 11 and played Turok. When I would come to an area I could not easily traverse (keep in mind, with full cheats, I didn't need ANY keys AT ALL, I had them all, so no "worthless" exploring around), I just warped to the next level, or to the level boss, or totem (I don't think there was a totem warp actually).

I do believe this level took me 5.5 hours of game time. My game time meter probably reads close to 12 hours now. That is twice the time Turok 3 took me, and I'm only, at best, 45% through. Turok 2 is too long. Turok 3 is too short. Gotta be a middleground- maybe it's Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, I'll see.

...of course, 5.5 hours is just what the game logged. It is much closer to 10- 13 hours for this one level. Why? I backtracked. Or, had to backtrack. Alot. Like 5 hours worth. In the end, I had to use a guide to find one area (total no-brainer, too, I just missed the path as it was camoflauged, it's one of those hit-or-miss things.)


Turok Level 4 Spoilers!



The level is introduced by Adon in her special way of repeating the level name. "Lair of the Blind Ones- Lair of the Blind Ones. Many is said about" she rails; how wonderful. I will for my entire life remember her level introductions. So anyways, she explains that they come to the surface at night, and drag people down and eat them! EWW!
\
"I really stepped in it this time!" I thought silently. The Blind Ones are not really too blind. They can hear the heart beat of a human being, even. There are plenty of spiders (BIG ONES TOO!!), as well as...goblins. The goblins are crappy, as they take TWO Shredder (upgraded shotgun!) shots to put down, and shoot slime at you. They walk on their hands. I don't like them. I thank God every time I turn a corner (okay, not THAT often) that they don't respawn.

They are about 2 feet tall.


...HERE IS THE LINK! (Kev talking to Adon after level 4.)

I just like it because I sound so haggered, and I halfway ignore her. Hah, take that, thou blue-skinned woman. My voice sounds a bit strained at first, keep in mind I was just in a puddle of slime with slimy things coming out of it, and a giant eyeball tried to kill me (it's Metroid Prime: Hunters all over again!). Sorry the song sounds so "ear-cuttingly sharp." The recorder does have a microphone jack, I should use it next time, and also not play music.



Soo. No more falling off-topic. Actually, I am going to remove the uneccessary bits. This is a review, not a post.

The Blind Ones are cyclops-type monsters. They are anthropomorphic, which means human-like. Such as a robot, like the Terminator. He is anthropomorphic, not just bipedal, as in, he is like a human, with two legs and two arm. The power ranger's zord is anthropomorphic, and so is the alien in Predator. The aliens in the Alien series are not anthropomorphic (to my knowledge).

They walk around wearing pants. Like they own the place. Like they ... eat rocks. The ... pant wearing ...no shoes though. If they did, they wouldn't wear socks. The freaks.

As far as I could see, none of them had breasts. So I assume I did not murder any female monsters. Just thought I'd...y'know, throw that in there...so, at right is a picture of the less-dangerous kind which uses melee/grenade attacks, apparently called a Sentinel.

He carries a blade not a little like a Sentinel flesh eater/spawn of oblivion. He uses it just like him, too. Face it, kids, he is a cross-dressing flesh eater (he doesn't do cartwheels though :). I was using a scoped weapon, the compound (in the series it's called "Tek") Bow. I was, as you may gather, spying on it...photographing it.


I did not get a good photo of him, but I was able to use my Mom's camera.

The next one is apparently called a Guardian. Sentinel means guard. I will call him, "Bowie Boy(boyz)." Heh heh heh. Here is a few photos of Bowie Boy. To the left he's going, "UH." To the right, he's saying, "Aaaah...I'm stupid..." Please ignore the targeting reticule about his ...well, crotch.

















Next here, is a picture of him getting blown to the bottom pits of hell (conveniently, Blind One Hell is located in their lair; OK, well, fiery pits at least, he had a short trip!). Sorry. Enough making fun of this jerk. I despise Bowie Boy. Why? Because he has a bow. And it's crazy accurate, and does lots of damage- and you routinely get stuck in a room with them (or the equivalent of being stuck in a room with them). And there's really no way to fight them close-quarters- sorrowfully, they are weak enough to justify the accuracy. I just wish they took lots, lots longer to acquire the target (you).

Once again, a nice mix of enemies in this level, except for the goblins. I hate and despise them and I hate them as much as those accursed Baboons in Turok: Evolution. They sound more fearsome than the tyrannosaurus.


Poor guy got his head blown off his shoulders. I could honestly do without enemies exploding in said manner. Just not necessary. All the same, rest in cycloptic blind one hell, you meanie.


Next, here is a few pictures of the Fireborn. The Fireborn are, basically, Endtrails. Okay, let me put pics of the Endtrail I photographed from behind first, so you know what they are. They are part of the dinosoid horde, or genetically-engineered DEMONSAURS! LOL! Demonsaur. Nice. They are not actually demons, lol


In the up-left pic, he is standing there. Let me tell you this. Listen, dude, get this. Prepare to laugh. I was overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude and "wheew" when I remembered at the last second, AND TURNED OFF THE FLASH BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID HE WOULD SEE IT AND ATTACK. I AM COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY HONESTLY TELLING THE TRUTH.

I have to laugh at myself.


Hah.

Once more.

Hah.

Ah, I am still full of giggles. Once more.

Ahah hah.


ROFL. I can't believe I did that. I went "WHEW, that was close, he would'a seen me!" then it hit me- it's a video game! So, what's going on in that picture at the above-left is he's standing there (watching a path and waiting for me to cross that path, but I snuck up on him), then in the right one he is turning invisible- cloaking. That is the movement you see (they wave "goodbye!" before cloaking, rather goofily). The camera is bad, so it got several frames. It was the Home camera...the third pic he is cloaked. I then shot him several times, but I forget what with- I don't think I bored him to death. Get it, bored. Get ...ah never mind. He is in dinosaur hell now, just, y'know, so you know.


So, the Fireborn are just like the dinosoids' Endtrail. I do not know their story. But they live in lava. And are, well...born of fire. They throw grenades (I think, Lava-themed grenades) and, though they do not walk in the lava, Turok 3 proves they do in fact live in the lava. They claw good. One time, one was running up on me...and I put a Shredder round into him...and his body above his calves exploded/disappeared. His calves followed through then stopped and sat there. I wondered why they kept running. And how they stood.


















At above left, is the bad camera. See all the frames? Yeesh. He looks like an Endtrail though. At the right, he is stuck in place by a "Charge Dart" round- or, being shocked and forceably stuck in place. So I could photograph him better. The charge dart shocking him is the electricity, he is normally red and black.

OK, enemy review is over. New weapons on this level,...well, okay, we'll have to do this another way. As I skipped level 3, I will only post the new weapons I would have gotten from this level- so not the Shredder, Plasma Rifle, or Grenade Launcher.

My favorite is the Charge Dart Rifle. It shocks the hell out of anything- I think even the Purlin. We'll see...so, it causes them to freeze in place for anywhere from 5 to 30 seconds (more or less). Ammunition packs come in 20, and it holds a maximum of 30. It is yellow, and looks cool. It shakes when you're charging it- pull the trigger, it launchers a weak beam, and one dart. Hold it longer and it goes to two darts, to three darts, and a beam which shocks enemies for 20+ seconds.

My favorite use for this is the Flesh Eaters- seriously, they become so easy to kill when they're immobilized. It also weakens things, probably as much as a shotgun...shot. A song I'm listening to just said "shot" as well. Apparently it's the word of the day.


The next favorite is the Harpoon Gun. It is fun to use! That's all; fun to use. Because I get to use it on leapers. It's a harpoon gun, used (only) underwater. The other new watergun (hah) is the Torpedo Launcher. It makes you move fast, but too fast considering you cannot stop speedily. Underwater of course. It also launches torpedoes, but you're always moving too fast. I like the harpoon gun more because it's...what's the word...efficient. Like the bow and arrow, but the ammo is actually worthy of being picked up.

The next is the Cerebral Bore. Why third when every other fanboy in everdom put it at 0 on their list, right before the #1 ranking weapon? Well, it would have gotten second- except that, two things. One, I ...huh. The song I am listening to just said one as well. Anyway, I do not like the cerebral experience. I don't mind it, either- but I don't drool over it. I do not have a mental problem which causes me to be turned on by graphic violence. There, I said it. Two, it isn't much use, as these enemies are too fast to waste time with such a slow weapon. I would LOVE the bore to randomly select targets- it could be a secondary mode...anyways...you know...you could send out three at a time. You could say, "Oh, then it'd get Turok." But the Bore gun could just as easily hold an "anti-beacon." The Cerebral Bore picks up on brain waves, then drills the brains out...just so you know. A longer travel time could have helped, but I guess it's OK.

The other two is the Flamethrower, which is CUT DOWN by lack of ammo (just enough to be used maybe once or twice in the level because you're never sure when you'll *really* need it) and the Sunfire Pod. The Flamethrower makes short work of most weak enemies. The Sunfire pods only work on the Blind Ones. They saved me more than once. Twice actually, once during the totem defense and once while facing those EIGHT DAMN BOWIE BOYZ. One drawback, not enough of them. They do not respawn...they're, understandably, precious. A foolish dolt could more-or-less ruin the level for himself if he used them all.


Overall, this is a great level. The level introduction was, once again, the best part of the level. HAHAHA!

Just so you know, I typed that in real time. I typed the "HAHAHA" part real fast. Am I strange? To end this post, I will define the difference between my Mom's camera and the Home camera. (She takes her camera to her job, it kinda belongs to them, but ...kinda. She's been using it so long, and shooting pictures for (technically) free for them for so long, she's probably paid for it by now).

What better way than posting Adon pics? She's so kind, standing still like that.


















To the left is my Mom's camera. To the right, the Home camera. I want another camera, actually, lol. I think my money would be better spent on a webcam however, or a digital video camera. For some reason ... there is a patch of skin showing near...uhh...well, it's not just my copy of the game, either. I may post the post that Google messed up tomorrow; time for sleep! Yesterday I had a dream about Metroid Prime 2: Echoes, I was at the area with the sonic locks- where one of the keys is located- with the giant magnetic sphere in dark world- near the save spot...I could go on. Oh, how I love Metroid Prime 2.

Long. Post.