The Horrible Day, Week 5, Post 1: Saundra the Health Inspector Ruins My Week

These events take place one week after WEEK 4 and should have been posted February 6th, 2009, or about 1 month ago. Now, let us continue unabated...


Tuesday. It was a day like unto every other workday...except that this workday, I got to actually almost-cook real food from almost-scratch. It was almost glorious. Raw, slightly cooked beef, raw, partially cooked rice, and raw, canned condensed mushroom soup made into Ricey Mushroom Beef Cream Surprise. Vixen even managed to not stress me out much.

But, just when things are going good, and I get to actually cook scratchy meals, and don't have to look over my shoulder so much to see if my coworkers are against me or just against me, Saundra shows up.


Saundra is the inspector. The Health Inspector. Usually, it's Hector. This time it was Saundra.

Saundra's bad news. I didn't see her, as I was out purchasing lettuce when she arrived, but from reports, she's something like a cross between a scraggly old man and a dog afflicted with mange, has a skull that looks like the shell of a coconut, and has cracked lips. They said she had scars and open wounds from lip-end to lip-end and when she scowled during her vitriolic ramblings, they could almost hear the wounds breaking open and swore they saw blood. Her hair was nasty, lopped, and dripping grease.

Further reports are that her eyes are empty, black and soulless (and not in a good way), and she does not listen to reason. And her shoes are loud, squeaky, and "paddly." Don't ask me what that means; loud and squeaky makes sense, loud and paddly makes sense, but all three just don't jive.


Here's how it went:

10:00 AM (almost on the dot). Kev goes to store for lettuce.
10:15 AM. Kev returns, triumphant, with lettuce. Waves to adoring peasants on way to kitchen.
10:16 AM. Kev is intercepted during victory march, and is informed that a lady inspector named Saundra has appeared and looks like the embodiment of Satan. Kev hides in office, hopes it isn't really Satan.
11:04 AM. Boss updates Kev. Says there was a Critical Violation and a Severe Violation and Inspector is printing a report. Inspector claimed that there was raw bald eagle over packaged goods, i.e. cross-contamination, and found zebra stripes and leopard spots in the dishwasher/sanitizer, i.e. inoperable sanitizer (improper sanitization).
11:04 AM. Kev and Boss reassure each other that the "raw bald eagle" was actually frozen cooked soup, and Boss says inspector didn't even look at the dishwasher. Kev ponders how frozen cooked soup could look like eagle.
11:09 AM. Boss goes to retrieve printed statement. Kev bites the ends off of all of his nails, including his toenails. Promptly puts shoes back on, wipes mouth with sock.
11:15 AM. Boss tells Kev that the inspector is gone and to go finish lunch. While lunch is being prepped (lunch served at 11:30), Boss tells Kev that it was the worst inspector she has seen in 29 years of dealing with inspectors.


And so, within roughly one hour, my week had officially turned terrible. Again: the inspector said that we had raw bald eagle over packaged food. We had cooked, frozen soup over food- it was not bald eagle. It was not any kind of meat. Maybe it had cooked sausage, but nothing raw.

Nevertheless, the inspector even threatened to call our not-for-profit food delivery agency and shut down our food supply, effectively costing me my job and a source of "prorevenue" (?) if successful. Further, she was calling the Arizona Game and Fish Department (AZGFD) to report an incidence of illegal hunting.

A few hours later, after the lunch rush, a representative from AZGFD actually showed up- with a briefcase!- and demanded to see the bald eagle remains. The Boss tried to tell him that it wasn't eagle, and it surely wasn't bald. Problematically, the inspector (Saundra) happened to be a veterinarian in the northern part of Arizona for 20 years and "knew plucked bald eagle when she saw it."

Kind of suspect that she knew what a plucked bald eagle looks like.


Aaand, she happened to have connections with the AZGFD because of her career as a "rescue veterinarian." She would go out to the areas they service with dirt bikes and hiking shoes and if they break down (this was before cell phones), they die. That's how she got the AZGFD rep to attack us. His offensive failed and he "went to report his findings." (Dooooork.)


Then we got a call from the Maricopa County Environmental Services Department (MCESD, or ESD). They wanted to know if we had prior knowledge that we were serving illegal, possibly tainted meat. We said we weren't serving any meat tainted with anything, and they said that their inspector had observed tainted meat. Our receptionist freaked out and hung up the phone. Great job, there, Sharon...that's the receptionist's version of stuffing the inspector in the oven.



One half of one hour later, two hazmat agents showed up to do a hazardous materials check in our kitchen because "potentially hostile contaminants" had been observed "in or around" the food service area. That report was NOT on the receipt we received from the inspector. And that's not hazmat's job; the inspector should have handled that.

The hazmat people found "excess contained chemicals stored in the food storage area." What that means is that we had a few cups of soap left and we had our new bucket under the sink because we would run out any day. AND WE STILL DIDN'T HAVE ANY BALD EAGLE! Sorry, I freaked out.



Word, of course, spread throughout the building. And some delivery men were told. And a garbage man heard about it.


The next day, things went real bad.