Two Birthdays!

Yesterday, as I was pondering the extremities of life (oh, how they toil and whip about), my parents started talking about chickens. They went on and on and on. Then my ear sent the signal to my brain, which sent the signal to me, that they had changed to the subtopic of killing chickens.

Now, a discussion about chickens is very uninteresting. But a discussion about killing chickens? Let me be a fly on that delightful wall!


I cut in. "Say...how would you kill 'em?"

"Well, Kev, do you think-" YES I CAN...sorry, in my haste I forgot the quotations. "YES I CAN SURELY STRANGLE THEM, JUST LINE 'EM UP AND SET 'EM TO DIE!" My eyes were wild and dancing with what surely could have figuratively been called flames. They looked at each other.

"Actually, Kev...I think we need to have a talk about this," Mom said. "I know, I totally know," I began. "For my part, I want to say that this whole 'small farm' thing, I thought it was stupid for the longest time, but now, strangling those animals...I don't know, I just feel, connected to the land, or something."

"Kev...uh...do you think that, um, maybe yo-"

"YES, I CAN TOTALLY STRANGLE A CHICKEN TONIGHT, JUST LEMME KNOW WHICH ONE HECK, I'll just go start strangling, and you can tell me when I've strangled the right one!" I practically screamed, wringing my hands and sitting on the edge of my seat.

After a pause: "Kev, don't strangle any chickens tonight," Dad said. "We aren't prepared to clean them, and it's too late. We can do it this weekend." My heart dropped, but it didn't hit the bottom. "Can't I just strangle one and, um, sacrifice it or something?" "NO, Kev. No." My heart continued its free-fall and hit the spike pit.


"Well, if we're going to play the waiting game, why don't we just wait until my birthday? That'd be the best present, ever!"


They looked at each other. My mom spoke. "Kev, on second thought, maybe we should just cut their heads off."

"Well, ch-yeah," I said, rolling my eyes and using an uncharacteristic 'ch' in front of 'yeah.' "That's the entirety of the idea! But first you have to strangle 'em."

"No, Kev...I mean, without the strangling."


I glared at one then the other. They actually meant it... "Look," I said. "It's a late night, none of us need to be making any rash, generalized, marginalized, over-the-top, dead wrong, disgusting decisions, and I'd say that most of the propagandistic hate-speech you're currently spewing is not at all to be considered a right nor sane addition to this subject! For now, let us leave it that we will strangle some chickens this weekend, and let me say, of sound mind and waxing eloquent, if chickens are not strangled on that fair day, then something else will be!"

I got up and stormed to my room.




How could they be so misunderstanding? How could they try to ruin my life like this? I can't believe it. But thus far they haven't said anything about not strangling chickens this weekend, so I think I made my point. It's gonna be great! The strangling...and the...well, just the strangling is good enough for me! It's gonna be great!

...boy, I just can't wait! It's like my birthday comes early this year!!! Or, like, I have two birthdays, or something! Yeah, that's totally it!



*The preceding may not have occurred.