Regardless, do you remember my trip to California? Well, we went by this one place that was basically a ...well, I'm not sure what it was. It was lighted with red light...and there were pictures all over...and half-naked statues, and racecar seats for the shortstops. Yeah, it was basically a strip club, but without the strippers.
I ordered the Reuben sandwich. Best Reuben sandwich ever. I loved that sandwich. I wish I hadn't eaten it. We could have eloped. Started a life all our own away from the prejudices of commonfolk. We could have escaped to the mountains and lived off of the innards of bears and eaten honey, as I would become a hunter-gatherer immune to bee stings as my wife stayed home and cared for our children, Swiss and Corny.
Anyways, after the meal, I decided to eat the lemon quarter in my drink. I had um, vodka, with a twist of helluciny, which is basically powdered sugar, but red. Yeah. I'm a man. I didn't have Sprite. Regardless, it was the first lemon peel I've ever eaten, and it tasted OK. Everyone was perplexed. For a minute, I thought they thought I was Mikey. I wondered if they would bring me a bowl of Life cereal next.
Of course, I then asked what I was supposed to do with the parsley. I guess it is supposed to help your breath, but I didn't know that at the time. "You put it behind your ear (if you're a girl)," Manny said. So I did. I wore it for several hours, making my first impressions upon myriad saints, until I realized what it must have looked like. The catch? She didn't speak the (if you're a girl) part. I need to learn to read minds.
Yesterday, I had a similar experience with eating new cuisine. Me, my dad, The Hitman, and The Raw Justice walked into a bar. (OK, it wasn't a bar, it was a Mexican restaurant.) I went to hunt the claw machine (and I lost), thus my dad had to get the assorted spicy things for both of us.
When I returned, and after we ate, I discovered that my dad had picked up two jalapenos.
"Why did you get those?" I asked. "I got them for you," he said. I said, "Oh." I then did something I didn't quite think I would do. I think I was lost in a perplexing timeshaft of nostalgia, because I picked up the jalapeno, and I promptly bit the jalapeno from its stem.
I chewed. It wasn't so bad. The texture was weird, but I was so worried about the pain that would follow, I didn't care. I know how these work: they're OK at first so you eat them, but then they kill you. I guess it wasn't very hot.
They couldn't believe it. I think their feelings were hurt, actually, because I didn't scream or anything. My eyes watered a bit, but I was OK. Then I began sweating for a few minutes, but then I stopped. Overall, not very hot. I think if they could have, they would have shot me in the shoulder, just to satisfy their desire to see me in pain. If Kile II was there, I know he would have. Or stabbed me, or hit me with his truck. He loves my suffering.
In related news...my new goal is to eat a habanero pepper.
Yep...I'll let you know when I'm at that point, humble fools. I'll even voice-record my first attempt. How does that sound? I don't like it, either.
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