Bowser: certified Drama Queen - - - - Super Mario 64

Warning: mild spoilers follow.

I began playing Super Mario 64 several days ago (via Virtual Console), and I hate to admit it, because I'm oh-so-modest, but I pretty much mercilessly beat that game. I've played it before a few times, like most games, and it's simple to remember what to do. The enemies had no idea what hit them. Always fun to go through a childhood game.

I must say, the pure structural ingenuity of the levels (and therefore the puzzles) is astounding. I'm no foaming-at-the-mouth SM64 fan, but even though I knew most of the solutions, they were still awe-inspiring in their simplicity and complexity. Sort of like Metroid puzzles. I would have loved to go through the game with no prior knowledge. It's great- especially the use of wall jumps and the necessity to be inventive. The physics and controls and even camera are imperfect and can be frustrating, but they seem better for it. Really, I have no great biased attachment to the game.

I got 119 of the 120 stars with no help, then resorted to my handy-dandy Survival Guide. It's like, the only survival guide I've ever used. Super Mario 64 whupped me good when I was younger. It actually arrived at our house (when I was young) while I was at the dentists. My brother proceeded to precede me in having the snot slapped out of him. (At that point, about 11 years ago, when I was younger, not today.)

The star I missed (we're back in the current day, humble fools) was the second star on Peach's Secret Slide, the one where you have to race to the end within 20 seconds. I may have never discovered that, so I'm glad I swallowed my pride and looked it up. I knew it was a Castle Secret Star, but I just had no idea where to look, having examined the entire castle twice.


Meanwhile, Bowser was plotting whatever he was plotting. He's creepy in SM64. He is like a rat, but also like a dinosaur (his charging attack? Very undiluted awenem). And he breaths some really silly looking fire (although, some of it is sentient, and that's NOT silly.) And I'm still trying to decide exactly why he kidnaps Princess Toadstool all the time. I think he is a lovestruck fool. Regardless, Bowser is a drama queen. Let me explain...

While fighting enemies (especially dread bosses), I find it nice to have some sort of fight music. This perhaps first occurred when I was playing some faceless songs from Zola Levitt's Next Year in Jerusalem album several years ago, while drudging Metroid Prime's mining area. Specifically...right before that area's main boss. You know, ol' Stompy Sickly.

The next time I played music to a boss fight was more recent, and, amazingly, the exact same fight. I forget how I discovered it, but the Rebecca St. James song God Help Me goes quite well to the fight. That got me thinking, and several months later, I realized how perfectly Drama Queen by Family Force 5 would go to a Dark Samus duel. This is hilarious to me on very many levels. I may explain the whole point of that someday- from the evil to the humiliation to the pure "Damn you"-ness. But Paul tells us to bless, and curse not.



Thusforthwithly, from now on, at fitting points, I will play the song Drama Queen when fighting dread bosses. Bosses defeated with this music will become known as drama queens. I will sometime make a list of drama queens, sort of an memorial of humiliation for defeated enemies.

Some games- such as Splinter Cell, which I'm currently trying to straighten my crooked path with- obviously wouldn't do well with fight music. I think that most will. Particularly Metroid games! Now, I must be off, before I do something I'll really, really, really, really regret, and embarrass myself till I die.

Did I mention that I had an energy drink today? For all of its myriad nostalgic properties, it still tastes like ...well, you know. It was a Full Throttle Fury Energy Drink. Man, it's horrible, but not quite as horrible as the Monster brand. OK, I need to go, I'm rambling.