Metroid: Zero Mission

My first ever 2D (that is, side-scrolling, as in, not 3D, as in, grow a brain you fool) Metroid adventure. I always thought these 2D games, the newer ones, were a little silly. Was I wrong? Was I hopelessly deluded? Should I feel ashamed of myself for months?


The answer to those questions and many more is a strong yes, I was a moronic slave-zombie to the masses of anti-Samus girlphobic fools. The game is purely outstanding. At first, it feels a little strange. Then it sets in that this is a Metroid game. Then you're happier than a leaping frog in zero gravity! "WHEEE!" the leaping frog joyfully croaks!

Zero Mission is the original, 1987 Metroid updated with new graphics, and an engine like the one in Metroid: Fusion. The physics are different (from the original), and it has new items. I don't know what kind of new items.

It also comes with the original 1987 Metroid, unedited, unlockable at the end. I did not play this version. Soon enough, I'll play the original and see what new stuff was added.

I give the game a 10 out of 10. It created a very Metroidy atmosphere (which is fabo!). It is definitely, without a doubt, one of my favorite games. Easily. It is short, though- it took me 4 hours and about 45 minutes.

That is not a drawback- I don't know why. There is so much packed into such a short time.

Onto the spoiler review!


Metroid: Zero Mission spoilers follow.





You start out on a deserted planet. No...wait...it isn't.

It sure looks deserted, though. It is apparently the Space Pirate's base- their security is lax at best. You must destroy the Metroid species, along with the Space Pirate's base computer, the Mother Brain- a giant brain. I mean, like 7 foot tall! GIANT. PILE. OF. BRAIN.


There are items scattered everywhere. The high point for me was when I found that energy tank on the ceiling- randomly. Oh man, I was elated. The game succeeds in making some of the smallest tasks satisfying. Such as destroying your first Metroid- awesome. I thought I'd never get used to fighting them...I do not like killing Metroids as much in the Prime series. They're more of an annoyance somehow. And they're much bigger in this game, aren't they?


The fight with Kraid was fun- he's freakin' huge! And launches missiles out of his belly! GIANT ORGANIC MISSILES!

The fight with Ridley was also neat. I...I died three times as I attempted to kill Ridley, I admit it. I also died once before that. I whipped Kraid's Kraid butt, though. I loved the cut scenes leading up to Ridley- just like in Metroid Prime. Harrowing.


Mother Brain seems to pop out of nowhere. I didn't expect to see THAT thing at all! Whew. It took me several- and I mean like 8- attempts to kill the Mother Brain. It was frustrating, but once you get the hang of it, it's fine. I have a bitter hatred for the defenses around her. Grrr.


This is when the old Metroid left off, right after Mother brain. This one, Zero Mission, has the "rest of the story."


Samus is shot down and lands near the Space Pirate Mother Ship.

Her Suit is malfunctioning- she no longer has it, in fact.


All she has is her body, her zero suit, her ponytail, and a rather useless energy pistol.

She even says so herself. I forget how she words it. But it is something along the lines of "a rather useless energy pistol." She retained the previously gathered energy tanks, though, and the Power Grip (allowing her to grab onto edges, oh joy!).

I love the text of her talking (no vocal speech)- like she's keeping a diary. This was definitely missing from Prime. She goes on to say that it probably isn't the smartest thing to do to sneak into the Space Pirate Mother Ship with only a worthless pistol, but after all, she has no choice.

Here is a brave woman. Here is the epitome of bravery. She knows what she has to do. She doesn't exactly like the idea of infiltrating the ship, but she has to. Or she'll die.

She looks awesome in her zero suit, by the way. I mean, not like, awesome in that way. I mean she looks cool. The pistol can charge. It does so automatically, and when charged- which takes 4 seconds or so, if memory serves- it can stun things for a brief period. Otherwise, it's useless for all but destroying wall panels.

What follows is quite possibly the greatest slice of video game I have ever experienced.

You have to run from the Space Pirates.


You heard me. Run. Run like your life depends on it. Because hers does.

They scale walls, lock security barriers to block you- follow you through doors, crawl after you under spaces, and shoot at you. Each shot does 100 damage. They fire two at a time. It is splendidly avoidable- it's hard to avoid the shots, but it's so possible. I can't describe it. If you touch them they also do damage- I think 100 as well, not positive.


So you RUN, RUN through the ship. There are save spots. If a pirate sees you, or a sensor picks you up, the alarm is sounded, and the chase is on! Pirates flood out of NOWHERE. Through this door, through that door- as I said, THEY CLIMB UP WALLS.

So you're bounding ledge over ledge- and they're crawling up the wall chasing you. The energy pistol is splendorous. It allows you to make split-second decisions- to shoot a pirate following you, and slow him down, or just keep running and shoot him in a few seconds- or just concentrate on running.

It's frantic, and it's amazingly fun. This is the part that put Zero Mission over the top, brought it from a 9 to a 10.

The chases do not last forever. You hide on ledges, and a pirate will run past you- that is, if you're hidden well enough. It's mind-wracking waiting to see if the pirate is going to run past or spot you.

And there are times when you have no choice but to sit down and hide. And you know if the pirate follows you, it's game over. And...he doesn't. Yes, this is a wonderful part of the gameplay. It is just amazing. You really give up- you know you're dead if he sees you. Nice. Very nice.

I won't spoil anymore for you. I mean, if you've read this far, you've hopefully already played the game.

I died several times, I mean, probably 25+ during the Space Pirate Mother Ship section. It's tough. It's more fun than tough, thankfully.

When Samus dies, she is shown in her Zero Suit, unlike the original Metroid. In the original, she was shown in a bikini. This is what really confused the girlphobic, sexually insecure boys who thought Samus was a dude.

"Man, that dude's HAWT!" they railed as their eyes twitched uncontrollably. "HE'S A DUDE." "WOW HE IS WEARING A BIKINI THAT IS HAWT," they tried every manner of justification, never wanting to accept that Samus is a girl. As a result they became very confused and frustrated. End result?


These people grew up to be child molesters and rapists.*


*-uhm, probably.