What IS This Thing?

Now, any young lad of 17 and a half occasionally comes across something that's foreign to him.

For example, math or history.

Just walk into a doctor office.
"What's that, doc?"
"That's a hydropoplentificaladronator."
"...OK."
Or,
"OH NO, WHAT'S THAT THING DOCTOR?!"
"It's ...oh it's so useless explaining it to you."
or
"Hey doc, what's that?"
"A needle, Kev, now hold still. Also, I am a not a doctor, I am a nurse."

Very common in professional treatment facilities. Heck, even in stores. But your own house?

I came out of my room. I slept an hour late this morning, because I was up an hour late. I really just laid there tossing and turning until I decided to get up, so I might as well have been up.

I was standing in my doorway. You know the way a deers nostrils flare and it's ears move when there's a hunter it thinks it sees? That was me.

So I got low to the ground, and snaked my way into the kitchen. Something wasn't right. I could feel it in my marrow.

Then I saw it. Sitting on the table. I wrenched back defensively, letting out a warning hiss, and grabbing two spoons and hitting them together to form a rattling sound.

What IS this thing? I thought to myself.
It definitely isn't a bar of gold. Gold is, what color is gold anyways?
I picked it up, and began examining it. Something like, 5"x4"x1/2". Hmmm. Plastic material- like a cutting board. Maybe that's what it is.


So I set off to examine the piece. I have no idea what it is. I thought,

Maybe it's a refrigerator magnet. Nope. As you can see, I have to hold it in place, and it has neither emergency/pizza information or a witty phrase.

Then I thought,

Maybe it goes in the breaker box? Nope. It won't fit, one, and two, it clearly has nothing to do with electricity- three, I wasn't feeling lucky today. Then I decided to try the next best thing- maybe, just maybe, it's a...

Sadly, I discover it is NOT a door magnet which mysteriously sticks only onto doors. So, I went the other direction- maybe it's a...

Tortilla? No. Darn. This is our tortilla pan. It is not an egg, either, I discovered. Then I decided to follow up on my cutting-board hunch...

Drat. It isn't a cutting board- and, as you can see, it isn't a banana, either. I am confounded. So, I thought, maybe,

Maybe it's a Jesus Book! Nope. Not a Jesus Book...maybe it's my

No, it isn't my left foot. Close, though. If that isn't the case, maybe it's a can of

The San Francisco Treat!...nope. Not a can of the San Francisco Treat. DRAT. It could be a half gallon of

Goat milk...but no. It doesn't say "MILK" with a date on it and pound count. :(
HEY, MAYBE IT'S...

Nope, still not a banana. Then I have one guess left. I've already tested it for being a car battery, table leg, television screen, door hinge, blanket, litter box, shoelace, stereo, pair of underwear, a website, phone, box of dominoes, box of crackers, a bowl, a chair, an airplane/rocket ship, a car tire, a transformer toy, a carpet cleaner, a windmill, a shotgun, dirt, teething toy, the game Super Mario Sunshine, a telephone pole, a light bulb, a 25 lb bag of bread flour...my final guess...



Oh drat. It isn't a Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Jesus Book.


Well then, I have no idea what this alien contraption is. I've considered it's a futuristic handheld gaming system, but I doubt...I may never know...it does not seem threatening, and I don't think it emits radiation. So it's probably safe to be around...but still...can you ever really know?

I mean, transformers- they are disguised as cars, right? Well, no. They are disguised as 30-foot-long sports cars. Those are easy to pick out. But this...this doesn't even have anything it's pretending to be! What if it's a comet?! OR A DEAD BODY IN DISGUISE?!


...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!! DEAD BODY!@