Oops, I did it Again

Man I feel weird for that title. Weird. As in a, sort of, like a guard feels in Goldeneye when Invisible cheat is on. Speaking of Invisible cheat...you know I've never used one in Perfect Dark?

Wow. That's hurtful. I am going to order a Gameshark sometime. Oh, my memories of Gamesharks...


It all began back when I was young. No, younger. That's right. The tender, young age. My Mom's ex-boyfriend, named Dave, bought me a Nintendo 64.

It was the greatest day of my young life. I don't want to devalue the long, long winters, but those were long, sweet months, full of cold, and not just days or events.

I remember it as if it had just recently occurred..."Hey, Kev." My Mom said in a type of interrogatory fashion. "Dave is going to buy you an N64 tomorrow."

My heart stopped. It had previously been supplying blood to my vital organs. I can't remember if I fell down or jumped up in the air like a frog in the blender, but I was happy. Oh, the joy.

I don't have any idea how I slept that night. I think I slept with visions of N64s rifling through my private thoughts. Violently. As if trying to locate, I don't know, an old bottle of super glue. I thank God right here and now, that I did not get a Playstation. No offense to you Sony fans out there, of course.


My previous experience with the famed AWNINTENDO 64PWN, as I thought of it back then, was two experiences. First, my uncle used to work at a video game store. He would trade in games like they were cheap, dirty, filthy sluts. And he treated them as cheap, dirty, filthy sluts as well. He would use them once, then get bored of them, and turn them in for the next girl. That fool. He would have no idea the glory and joy of having a full harem of games, which do not resemble cheap, dirty, filthy sluts. Pure and clean games. Games with hearts. Games which can hold an intelligent conversation- games which you could bring home to Mom.

I remember he was amazed at the fact I knew how to hold an N64 paddle. Apparently, not many did. Not without previous exposure. The game I played was Super Mario 64. He later traded in his system. The kinds of shuffled-around, dirty whores of games he shuffled around dirtily probably gave his system an equivalent of an STD. That dirty, filthy system.


He then bought a Sony Playstation. I believe the two games I saw on that was, I am tempted to say, Carmageddon. It was at least a Car combat game- I don't know, honestly. The other was, and I have no proof for this, Lara Croft. I just know it. I can feel it, sense it in my memories, taste the very dripping oozing of the bare, explosive fact that it was my first ever experience with a Tomb Raider game. I remember very graphically, as if even then my tiny mind could sense the fact I would need to remember it.


Second, my Mom did some housework for some people, and me and my Brother would go with her. I never really played theirs; just once I remember, and it was Super Mario 64. The level with the Boo's. I also heard of Goldeneye: 007 from them (strangely, no gameplay), and Diddy Kong Racing. I forgot it was Diddy Kong Racing though, and confused it with Mario Kart all these years.

They were also impressed that I knew how to hold the paddle. It was just instinctual for me I guess.


So, back to my N64. Which, God help me, I don't know if I still have- all I know is I now have on with a RAM pak and I love it more than a man should love an inanimate object. It came with Goldeneye: 007. I think I remember I was a fan of James Bond at that point, as I somehow knew of Goldeneye, so I said "OH MY GOSH I WANT A 007 GAME MOMS!"

I apparently used to call my Mom "Moms." You know, I don't think I really liked video games before the N64 (I did, but I only had three games, as I didn't know how to research and buy other ones- I kinda thought only a few games existed!). So, the next morning, I was so happy.

I think I peed my pants. Regardless, he delivered the N64. This was, of course, a clever ploy to get me to like him. As they say, "When you want at a bitch, get with her friends. Or buy her kids things- either way is the fast track to the bedroom!" That's just a general guideline, I'm not, you know, applying that to my Mom. Well, you know what I mean.

I didn't fall for it. I didn't hate the guy, but I didn't like him. Apparently, I had no idea the extent of their relationship. One time, he told me, "I'm going to be your new Dad soon, so you'd better grow some balls, because I won't have an effeminate little bitch as a son."

I thought he was bluffing. Later, come to find out, him and my Mom were going to get married 2 months before she broke up with him. He actually broke up with her I guess. His #1 problem was that me and my brother used more than 1 square of toilet paper, and didn't flush the toilet.
Seriously.


So, I popped Goldeneye in. Oh boy! I remember I killed a few guards. They died. I couldn't open the door...or the gate rather. Then my Mom discovered the B button opened doors. Ever since then, it has been smooth as...as...well, think of something really smooth. And sumptuous.


Then, I have NO IDEA how, I got a Gameshark. One day, it just...arrived. "What the HELL is this thing?!" I asked my Mom. "This looks nothing like a Gameshark! It has no fins!!! And it's shaped WRONG!"

"You enter codes into it, Kev." She said condescendingly. "Oh." I replied, astonished. "I will try it then." It worked pretty well. Then it broke.

Broke. I didn't just misspell "bloke." It broke.


All those months of sweet, long gaming sessions. Gone. Well, actually, the Gameshark held no ground in that- cause well, it's just memories. No...data lost. The memories weren't even lost.

Then, one night, I had an urge to get a Gameshark. "MOOOOOOMS!" I yelled from the game room, which doubled as the bedroom. "WHAT DO YOU WAAAAAANT" she yelled from the living room which doubled as the computer room. "A GAMESHAAAARK!" We went to a KMart, and the rest was history. Not recorder history, just, you know.

I have no idea how I could get the things I wanted, as apparently we were poorer than the service at the local candy shop. Because... there wasn't a local candy shop. That's apparently how poor we were. We were so poor that we were poorer than the service at a candy shop which didn't exist. I had to make up a candy shop- a made up candy shop. It is a candy shop which doesn't exist, not just in the real world, but it was created with the idea in mind that it doesn't even exist in its made up form. Then, on top of not existing even in its own made-up universe, its service sucks.

So we were poorer than the service at a made-up candy shop which didn't even exist in its made-up form. That's how poor we were.

I will regale you with stories of my childhood some other time. For now, onto today's events. I once again forgot to post. So here I am!

Two more packages arrived today. The one from World Net Daily, and Diddy Kong Racing. All the books, except for The Marketing of Evil, arrived. It is on backorder. One book is really interesting, by a chick named Cassandra Walker. If not for her picture on the cover, I would think of Cassandra, the Queen Lord in Battletanx: Global Assault. Oh man that game owned.

Cassandra in Battletanx: Global Assault is a...well, the female population of earth is wiped out almost entirely. The remaining women, only a VERY FEW, control the male populace with their feminine wiles. If you know what I mean. She is a redhead, and she looks totally evil. I seem to remember her holding a whip, or having one on her side, or something, only adding to her evilness.

I tried to watch Goldeneye last night, but it sucked too much. I only got halfway through before I got so exhausted from watching it I had to just turn it off. Either, it's boring, or I am too familiar with the story.

I watched that movie so much when I was a kid, I could say everyones lines. Wow. I was a FREAK, huh?


I think I'm gonna watch The World Is Not Enough tonight. Goodnight. This post took a mere two hours, lol