Life with the New Thermostat

10:15 PM, the day before:
"This is great, it's FREEZING! I can't feel my toes! We need to turn it up at night, check."

5 AM, current day:
"Oh, you turned it off, because it was too cold? Figures, you cowardly DOG! At least it's great in here right now."

11:15 AM:
"Whew, it's heating up, for sure."

12:00 PM:
"Agh, I can't take this much longer..."


12:30 PM:
"OH, GLORIOUS LORD THERMOSTRATO, PLEASE HAVE MERCY! MERCY ON US FOOLISH SINNERS! WE OFFER YOU GIFT OFFERINGS OF HOMEMADE GOAT CHEESE! PLEASE, MAY WE BE BLESSED BY YOUR FROSTY-LIVING, LIFE-GIVING BREATH OF COLD!"

12:45 PM:
"Don't worry, brother! Heheh heh HAH! Only a short while, only a short while, oh, it'll hurt, don't be scared, death is a glorious, bright future when you're sacrificed in honor to LORD THERMOSTRATO! I sure am glad I sharpened this knife yesterday, ahahhehh! NOW HOLD STILL, AND DON'T GET BLOOD ALL OVER MY PRIESTLY GARMENTS! LORD THERMOSTRATO, I OFFER UNTO YOU THIS SACRIFICE OF MY VERY OWN BR..."

1:00 PM:
"Man, that was close. Sorry I almost sacrificed you, brother. I'm glad that air conditioner kicked on, if my sacrificing rituals took any less time, you'd be a goner. That was miserable."

1:40 PM:
"I OFFER UNTO YOU, LORD THERMOSTRATO, THIS FELINE NAMED LIONEL!
ACCEPT HIM AS YOUR EVERLASTING SERVANT AS LONG AS HE SHALL LIVE! HAVE THIS SACRIFICE, AND BREATH YOUR FROSTY-LIVING, LIFE-GIVING BREATH OF COLD ON HIM, AND HE SHALL SERVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER UNTO ETERNITY, UNTO..."

1:44 PM:
"...YET STILL LIQUID, AND DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS, BUT NOT BEFORE THE FROST LEAVES THEIR LIPS! NOW, AS THE BLOOD-"
"Kev, what the hell are you doing?"
"Oh, hi, guys," I said, realizing I was holding the knife I recently sharpened and seemed to have on a crude, eye-burning face-paint of mustard and ketchup.

As I looked around, holding Lionel down with one hand and having the knife held up in my right, the scene reminded me of some weird version of The Lord of the Flies. I had apparently amassed a pile of offerings/sacrifices to the great "Lord Thermostrato" on the makeshift alter of a VCR tape cabinet positioned directly in front of it, and I'm sure I engaged in all sorts of devotion and worship, trying to get this great idol-god to cool down the air so that my suffering could end. My brother seemed rather shaken by the events of the day.

I forget how the movie ended, but suffice it to say, this version ended on the thermostat being turned down three degrees and a unanimous familial decision not to allow me to test thermometers without adult supervision.


DARE to not test AC thermostats without adult supervision. Here is the link to the goat cheese.