Regret upon Regret

Have you ever done something very bad? Perhaps you stabbed someone, or broke a bottle over someone's head, or maybe you threw someone off of a cliff, or perhaps you're a dentist and you forgot to fill someone's cavity after drilling the tooth open, causing them many days of surreal wonder, and causing weeks of waking up in a cold sweat for yourself. "Did I remember to go to the bathroom? Oh man, what if I wet my pillow!" the dentist woes.


Well, I did something very bad today.

It all started when I got up. I had gotten to bed relatively early, so I got up relatively early; funny how that works. It seems like something straight out of Things Don Feldick-Horsegoggles Has Taught Kev, Vol I, part II, The Basics. Thoughts poured into my head as I came to consciousness.

My dad (and brother) decided to stay home from church, and it seemed contagious; many others were seemingly raptured. I counted a few entire missing families, and 3-4 partial families; husbands without wives, grandmothers missing grandchildrens.

It was the Hitman's turn to bring food, and usually the ones bringing the food arrive as a solid unit, a kind of priesthood of food-bearers, efficiently offering goodies and treats and all sorts of things that make you go "Wow, you brought a bunch of garbage." The Hitman's did not fail this holy tradition of everyone in the food-bearing party attending.



Me and my dad have great trouble eating this church holy food. I am unsure what great force prevents us, but under this sinister influence, I almost always forget. The one time I make a great mental note to have some of the food is when Manny Hitman brings it. As you may know, she cooks love, joy, and peace into every bit of food she prepares- and those are three of my favorite things to have cooked into food! No one else offers this kind of deal, and it has resulted in pure brand loyalty.

She brought food about a month ago- a garlic cheese ball of some sort seemed to be the centerpiece- yet I forgot to get any. I regretted that for weeks after I had heard about it. I still regret it. I'm sure many of my recent nightmares have been based upon not sampling that garlic cheese ball. At least the ones that had me waking up in a cold sweat declaring "I'll never forget you, Garlic Cheese Ball!"




Rarely in life are you given a second chance. You have to fight for your second chance. Like Pastor says, you have to "grab them around their neck and twist it until it snaps off and the blood gushes out."

Today, I got my second chance. A bountiful feast was provided; some crazy angel food cake/cream and strawberry yule log (this+ a chocolate yule log = perfect representation of Light and Dark- hello 19th birthday cakes!), handmade chocolates handsomely decorated, and a very much larger-than-life bowl of pineapple, watermelon, and cantaloupe.

And another cheese ball. All prepared painstakingly by the Hitman's. I then did something very bad. Something I will regret for a long time.


I just couldn't control myself...I completely passed over the feast. Not one crumb of the crackers. Not one taste of the manically delicious angel food log. The ride home was a long, numb, surreal voyage of silent, open-mouthed "Why can't we just go back"'s. The unrelenting pangs of regret had already taken their foul grasp on me.



I hereby offer this public apology to the Hitman's, specifically Manny Hitman, as I believe she prepared most of this feast. I'll try to do better in the future, I promise. Please do not take my actions as a gesture of protest or a negative declaration. Don't stop bringing food.

I hope you guys can forgive me.





I hope I can forgive myself.