How to dress a Wound

Original post, or introductory post. Whichever you want to call it.


NOTE: this post will have graphic pictures of blood on a wound (it isn't that bad), and later the cleaned flap of skin. The picture of the wound held open will not be display but linked to. The dried blood on the wound will be the most graphic.


This is how I dress wounds. I only do this if I want the wound to heal expediently, or if it's a serious wound. In this case, I only did it because I felt like it.

OK, first things first, let us examine our enemy. Err, our uh, patient. Chyo Wazz Y'up once said that the path to enlightenment is not to kill, but to maim and then render aid.


Now, I've heard the TV slogan "Dirty mouth? Clean it up, with new Orbit-", but I would advise against applying that (or, spiritualizing that) as "Dirty wound? Clean it up, with new Orbit-". Peppermint is NOT something that you clean wounds with. It's something that you chew to piss you off, apparently.

I do not know what the little popcorn-looking thing is. Ain't that wound a beaut? OK, so I went to the bathroom and got the water to such a temperature that I could not feel it on my foot (it'll hurt badly enough without it being too hot or cold), then got a cup full of it and slowly poured it over the wound to loosen some of the dried-on blood. I then wiped at it several times, and discovered that if I wipe INSIDE THE WOUND ITSELF it hurts less than if I wipe around it. Go figure.

OK, see the cleaned wound, below.

Graphic picture (would held open) #1
Graphic picture (would held open) #2

Right, now that it's cleaned, what do we do? Put a bandage on it? No! We disinfect. So let's look for a disinfectant. First, I considered this:


But thought against it. Whew. You think I'm really THAT stupid to put soy sauce in a wound?! LOL, you moron! That'd probably hurt like the burning fire pits of hell! I'd never do that!






So, I used one of me and my dad's favorite disinfectants. See picture, below.

Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Apparently, lemon juice stops bleeding and cauterizes the wound (google "Lemon juice stops bleeding"). I am unsure how accurate that is, but I do know that it stops a wound from hurting (seriously, you'll forget you even have a wound once you hit it with the juice; at least I did) and speeds along healing by 2-3 times. It really is our favorite. My dad busted his chin open with a pair of pliers a few months ago (or longer, I forget, but I did get a picture!), and I made him put lemon juice in it. Aren't I the good son. Speaking of which, me and my mom need to organize our pictures. If she could get them all to me, I could do it. By month is good enough, I think.

Now, squeeze it into your favorite shot glass. Or only shot glass because your deadbeat family doesn't know how much you love shot glasses even though you've been telling them for years. You think I'd use an Oregon shot glass if I had a choice? Pffsst. If I had a choice, you know I'd want a Samus Aran shot glass. Or at least one painted...orange...and...gray...with the green shoulder-pad lines...and a cannon dividing the glass on one side...oh, when I'm in glory, I'm asking Jesus to make me one of those. The thought brings a tear to my eye!


OK, now that you've got your lemon juice, guess why it's in a shot glass.


That's right. So that you can invert it quickly and hold it over the wound, effectively submersing the wound in lemon juice, and mix it around. A soda cap is also good for this, but you can't tell how good it's swishing around. Once more, I'm not a doctor. You take this advice on your own foolishness.

So, go ahead and do that. What I did was inverted it over the wound and shook my foot to make sure it got to every part of the wound. I held it there for three seconds (+/- 1 second), at which point the VOP (volcano of pain) got to the point that I had to evacuate the island, if you know what I mean.

Now, curse whatever you curse when something like this happens. You could curse Satan, but it's not Satan's fault lemons burn...but I MIGHT AS WELL BLAME IT ON HIM! DAMN YOU, SATAN! CURSE YOU TO THE ABYSS, TO THE PITS OF DESPAIR WITH YOU, YOU RAGGEDY GAGGER!

If you're still angry, go ahead and curse whatever caused you to be in the predicament, even if that means calling them and yelling "AHRAAAH!". Do not progress beyond bestial screams of agony, despair and anger, however, or you may offend them. Simply hang up, then enjoy and revel in their confusion when they call back several times. Ah. Life is good. But in my case, I got to curse mine enemy to his misshapen FACE.

DAMN YOU POPOE!





OK, that part is over. Lemon juice. It'll cause you to stumble backward, curse, grunt like an ape, and act like a wild dog for a few minutes, but boy does it work!

This is the biggest/deepest wound I've used lemon juice on yet. It hurt very badly, but it is completely worth it. I did not know if it would hurt very badly or not, luckily...not too bad. Below is the completely cleaned, disinfected wound. Note the lemon pulp on my foot. Once, I got lemon in my eye, and it didn't hurt so much. What's wrong with my eyes that causes them to be more immune to lemon juice than to water? Anyway, picture below.


...OK, so you could use peroxide if you want to, but I prefer lemon juice. I still advise the inverting-and-swishing method to get the peroxide in the wound (it's dandy!), but I can't recommend holding it there too long, as I do not know the health implications of "soaking" a wound in peroxide.

OK, now to bandage it up. I put a 2"x3" bandaid first, secured that with a 1 1/4"x3.5" bandaid, then on top of those a 2.5"x3.5". It should look like the below picture. If it doesn't, rush out and buy bandaids that are the exact same as the ones I used.


Next, wrap it in one of those elastic bandages. I've heard them called "Ace Bandages" before but I reckon that's incorrect (note: I only put this because it's on my foot, and the bandaids don't like to stick; otherwise I don't wrap it).

OK, so wrap it...and wrap it...and wrap it, until your toes turn purple and/or blue.

Perfect! That's how you know it's wrapped properly. Try not to get it too tight, or your toes will fall off. There's Popoe. Curse his bones!

Then just keep wrapping until it looks like this...

And then ponder why cowboy boots have the point directly in the middle of the shoe.


And that's how I dress a wound. The last step is to affect a sympathy-garnering limp. Yes, yes. In fact, the limp elicits so much sympathy, my brother even asked me what was wrong. Hehehe. Now I am off to make dinner; baked spiral ham, scalloped potatoes au gratin, steamed beets, and biscuits. My mom loves beets, I love all of it (I'm real easy to cook for; just no overly-crunchy onions and I prefer my meat trimmed of fat and bone), my brother likes all of it, and my dad LOVES biscuits (you turn a meal into an amazing meal for him when you make biscuits). I'm going to try Alton Brown's Southern Biscuits.


Since this post was made a day and a half later, here is the picture of it ...a day and a half later. It looks pretty darn messy, but it is holding together really well. Picture: GRAPHIC/GROSS.