Kev wants to make Chicken Soup. Great.

I have it all planned out. What is it, I will not reveal at this present moment. But I want to learn how to make chicken soup to advance my newly-birthed ...it. Operation It. A long-term plan I am putting into motion, and my first order of business is learning how to make chicken soup.


Ah. Chicken soup. I remember I used to love the chicken soup my Mom made, and her friend, Michelle, also made good chicken soup. Their recipes were similar; I am unsure if that was by coincidence or if one adapted the others' recipe. I wish I had friends I could share recipes with. But no.


I go to church. You can hear them. Lindsey says to Manny, "I made some wonderful chicken soup! It was fabulous. In fact, I carry recipe cards around in my purse, it was so great! I am going to hand these out to all the women. Yes, anyone who receives one of these will be either a woman, or queer!"

Foiled again. Manny responds. "es, I use that secret, too. You just can't make good chicken soup without knowing it! And I agree; you'd have to be either a woman or queer to get one of these recipe cards!"

My eyes practically bleed attempting to stare through the flower-lined, pretty-in-its-own-classical-way recipe card. I can almost make out the words. Why won't she stop moving the damn thing. And for some reason, which God only, who is above all, knows, she has the card facing Lindsey so I cannot see it over her shoulder. A thousand ill-conceived curses.

Alas. Paper. Not easily seen through. My eyes continue to practically bleed. People are wondering why I am staring so intently at them. "Wh-," they chuckle a little and tap the person next to them. "Look at him."


She begins handing them out. "Wow, I'll try that! I never even considered that. Awesome! So you have to cook it in three stages, huh?"

What the hell does that mean, I ponder as I follow her around eavesdropping to garner the secret. I put my chin in my hands and observe.

She hands out the last card. My eardrums begin a type of ear-drumroll. "Oh, we don't like chicken soup," comes the reply. YES. My heart leaps. THROW THE CARD AWAY. "Here, have the card back." NO. THROW IT IN THE TRASH. "Take it." DON'T TAKE IT. "Thanks, I'll just go home and burn this." NO!

As simply as that, my hopes are foiled. Onto my contingency plan. I consider my options to choose which woman would most easily disclose the secret to making the golden, perfect, hallowed chicken soup!

Aha, Leslie will probably put up with my shenanigans. That's what they call them, you know. "Kev's shenanigans." As in, "there goes Kev again. Up to his shenanigans." She has 3 kids (2 are short and one is medium), I think, so she's used to idiot-questions and foolish ...tomfoolery.

"Soo, Les," I begin. "I was just, uh, watching the... football game- soccer sucks- and-" "I like soccer," she says. I stare. Bewildered.

"Like I said," I begin anew. "I don't like calling it soccer, I call it football. It's uh, more authentic. Played with a round ball, not a filthy oblong ball." I pause to see if I made a successful recovery. YES. Success. "And I was...uh...watc...lo...uh......combing my.........chest hair...which is a very manly, uh...activity..."

She stares. I continue. "And uh, thinking of how I...really dislike...uhh...non-sports-related things, and how I ...I... frequently find myself not attracted to men..."

She stares. I continue. "And uh, seeing's how I told you some things about what I've been doing lately...I was wondering if, uh, you might uh, want to discuss some things you've been doing lately...LIKE IF YOU HEARD ANY SECRET RECIPE SECRETS LINDSEY JUST GAVE YOU ON A RECIPE CARD YES!" I blurt with an open-mouthed grin.


"Oh, no. I did return a card to her, though."


"...oh." I force myself to say. A tiny, defeated, realizing voice. I slump away. A double-sided coin. Whilst the perfect target in that she would easily disclose the secret to the chicken soup, and also put up with my shenanigans, she was also the worst target possible because she didn't possess the recipe secret.





Oh well, it's behind me now. I have to discover the secret myself, or change my gender preference to join the ranks of people who can actually have cooking fellowship.


My plan is to simply make chicken soup as I normally do, but add different vegetables. Celery and carrots. I guess chicken soup is supposed to be kind of basic, but I always want to add more. I will do noodle and dumpling tests, to determine the best ...noodle and dumpling. Puffy dumplings, dead dumplings, puffy noodles, flat noodles. Can't be that many different dumplings. Then I will see how well they freeze. I have the broth and chicken made already.


I'm tired. I'll uh, do this sometime later.