On Hold: The Razor.

Well, since I have extra time, I am not quite sure what to do. Today, I called Walmart to find out if they had a certain electric shaver, the Philips Norelco 7140XL. Our old shaver broke, yet still today I saw my Dad using it. What broke, you ask? One of the covers came off of one of the blades (it's a 3-head model). He's shaving with the two while avoiding the other rapidly spinning, demonic, sharp head that would give him something akin to what happens to a raw chicken leg placed in a garbage disposal, but in the face.

I wanted to ensure it could not be bought from Walmart, and I also didn't want to trouble my dear, dear parents with searching about aimlessly for it. I gathered my honor, and all my courage, and put away my pride, and I called.

"Hello this is Walmart happy holidays, what can I do for you?"

"Uhm, yes, I am looking for a representative in personal care?"

Keep in mind that my voice sounds especially deep and I have trouble pronouncing some words as my sinuses are clogged.

"What the HELL do you mean, personal care?" the lady sounds outraged.

"Uh, like, personal grooming care," I began (I meant to say "like electric razors") to say, but she interrupted.

"Eww! What do you mean?!"

"LISTEN YOU LOUSY JERK," I began. I had to deal with this. "PERSONAL" DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN SEXUAL ORGANS! AND GO TO HELL! AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, MAYBE YOU CAN FIND A GUTTER TO NOT DRAG YOUR MIND THROUGH, YOU PERVERTED CARCASS OF FLESH AND BONES!"

"...OK then, let me transfer you."

• I am waiting now. First song that comes on is Away in a Manger.
• The second is "Sleigh Ride."

At this point, someone talks to me. They claim that razors would be in 'home care.' They proceed to ruthlessly place me on hold.

• The third is The First Noel, or something along those lines (it had "noel noel" in it)
• I couldn't identify any phrases in the fourth song.

At this point, someone else picks up the phone. Wondering who I'm waiting for. I say, "home care." "OK, let me transfer you."

• I couldn't identify any phrases in the fifth song.
• The sixth song is "O Holy Night."
• The seventh song is "What Christmas means to Me."
• The eighth song is Jinglebell Rock.

They then made an announcement that it's time for the employees to do a "safety sweep." I wondered if they would abandon their phone answering posts to do that.

• I couldn't identify the ninth song, except for the words "toda," "Elohim," and "Yeshua" (all Jewish words) in close proximity to each other. It was Jewish singing, and at the end I identified the phrase "rock of ages." Despite my efforts I could not identify the song.
• The tenth song is Sleep in Heavenly Peace.
• The eleventh song is "The Coolest Pair" by Clint Black.
  

At this point, someone came on. "Hello, who are you waiting for?"
I decided to change up my strategy. "Yes, I need someone to do an inventory check in house wares for an electric razor." "OK, please hold."

• I couldn't identify any phrases in the twelfth song.

Surprisingly, someone came on very soon after the last check. To ask me what I am on hold for. "I need an inventory check for an electric razor," I said. "Please hold." She put me on hold. In a sinister fashion.

• Sleigh Ride was on again as the thirteenth song.
• Santa's on His Way/Christmas Time is Here is the fourteenth song.

At this point, I had hit the 50-minutes-on-hold mark. Some lady who sounded happy answered. I told her, "I need an inventory check for an electric razor." "OK just a second, let me transfer you LOL" was her response. She was kind and nice and I believed her in my naive way.

• The fifteenth song was "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm," but NOT THE VERSION BY BILLIE HOLIDAY. Ugh. NO. NO. NO. NO. It was a guy. NOT A WOMAN SINGING LIKE A GUY WHO HAD A HORRIBLE VOICE AND NO GRASP OF MELODY.
  

Another representative answered. I was sure I could trust the nice lady from before who told me it would only be a short while and to keep running towards the goal!

"Hello, how may I help you?"

"Hi! My name's Kev! Oh, boy! I totally trusted that other lady!" "OK?"

"I need to know if you can do an inventory check for an electric razor." "Uhh, sir...this is the toy department."

I sunk into my chair as small squiggly cartoon lines depicting frustration arose from my head. She transferred me to somewhere. I couldn't believe it, within a minute someone answered!

"HI my name's Kev hi hi don't hang up PLEASE hi how are you!" "Iam(sic)...OK. What are you on hold for?" "I need an inventory check on a razor!" "An inventory check?" "YEEAH!" at this point, my tongue is hanging out of my mouth, I'm on the edge of my seat, and my eyes are bugging out with pure anticipation!

"An inventory check on food?" she confirmed. Still looking straight ahead, my eyes shriveled back into their sockets and with my tongue still hanging out, my open-mouthed grin turned to a malformed, open-mouthed frown as my eyebrows met my nose.

"No...razor. Shaving," I announced pitifully. No one would hear me. "OK let me transfer you."

It took several minutes for the frown to undo itself. I stared at the clock. Slow-motion set in. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Flea.

What?

Tick. Tick. Tick...

That's better.

• The sixteenth song was O Holy Night again.
• The seventeenth song was I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas.
• The eighteenth song was What Christmas means to Me again.
• The nineteenth song was Walking in a Winter Wonderland.

And thus with 4 songs 14 minutes pass. I then hung up. I had been on the phone with my Mom (I love my little pay-as-you-go phone and no one can take our love away!), and she checked, and they did not have the razor in stock. Instead, they had the model down from it. I asked her to just get that. I slumped into my chair and thought bad thoughts. I also asked her to get some white chocolate chips, some chocolate chips, and some red and green candy canes, so I couldn't of thought too bad of thoughts, but I thought as bad as I could. I focused on how I spent 68 minutes and 20 seconds causing Walmart a higher phone bill. Then I added some self-pity by realizing I hadn't done a thing while on hold except jot down song titles.

I sat slumped festering in my self-pity, disappointment and wrath. I considered calling off buying the lower model razor. While probably the same razor, I don't know why it's $20 cheaper. Some reason, obviously. And razors last for years, and I don't want to regret this in a year or two.

Then, my Dad called. Whilst wandering aimlessly throughout the store, they came upon a GIANT DISPLAY PILE of the razor I had wanted originally. My Mom was furious. She went right over to customer service to complain. My Dad narrated it to me:

"OK, she's in line. OK, she's talking to the lady. She's being very animated. Alright, she's smiling now, I had better get off the phone before she sees me talking!" (click).

I was then happy. I learned two valuable lessons from the process: always look for display piles when items are out of stock, and never stay on hold for more than 65 minutes.

My parents are now home.