How Many of God's Dear Saints have to die to milk a goat?

The answer may surprise you.


Since I was in church today, I see it fit to post a sacrilegious post. Call me, uh...sacrilegious. That is, I'll just go ahead and confess my evil ways. Yes, that's it; I am holding myself accountable. Listen up, now, children, as I put forth a positive example of ...integrity. I am unsure if I worded that right. Pastor, the other night, said something about me, but he said it real fast; all I heard was "-oom Kev on us." I assume he also worded that wrong; he most likely meant to say "-ove that boy, Kev. He's such a blessing."



So, Thursday night, I went to milk. I really don't like milking at all- I put up with the goats, and there is absolutely no enjoyment of them whatsoever; I look at it as a chore, like doing dishes. Not visiting with animals I love. This manifests especially in that when they cause problems- like kicking the milking pail, effectively costing us $5 to $12- it annoys me. I don't have the "I am in love with this animal" thing to fall back on, so I become bitter fast. Quite literally, I am ready to explode at any moment. Some things you can depend upon people for; me milking, is not one of them.

Anyways, the only way I can deal with milking without turning bitter- it's one of those activities where the world darkens and an aura of uncontrollable self-pity and hatred breed, regardless of if it goes perfectly or not- is to sing constantly. I've taken to singing He Lives as well as The Battlefield by some fool who lives somewhere. He has a really great voice; a TV pastor has a radio program that has him singing in it, as well, but I do not know that song. Needless to say, the better someone can sing, the worser it makes me seem when I attempt to sing it. But no one can hear me, so I let my voice wail through the night.


Here's the new song I came up with: 99 of God's Dear Saints:

99 of God's dear saints on the wall, 99 of God's dear saints
Take one down, cut off his head, 98 of God's dear saints on the wall
98 of God's dear saints, take one down, cut off his head
97 of God's dear saints on the wall, 97 of God's dear saints
Take one down, cut off his head, 96 of God's dear saints on the wall

And you continue until you reach "0." As you can plainly see, when I run out of songs to sing, I make up my own, and they're not always that good. Sure, the idea is right- God's saints will have their heads cut off, and that's an important thing to know. But that's not exactly a line to run with for 99 repetitions.


If you were wondering, it takes 23 decapitations to milk Little Stupid (note that this was when I was getting a hold of the song, so it should be doubled), 15 decapitations to milk Lightning, and 14 decapitations to milk Mozelle.



Also, uh, if you were wondering...yes, I won't be singing "99 of God's dear saints" anymore, anytime soon. I've taken to a new song; 99 Statues of Saints.

99 statues of saints on the wall,
99 statues of saints. If one of those statues should happen to fall,
98 statues of saints on the wall!

Brilliant! Me and my dad came up with it. We're going to ride in a big camouflaged bus (note: we actually are not, I am making this up) to the Bible conference in a little over a month (we'll also be wearing pirate hats; I realized they only cost $1 each, guys! We'd be the talk of the conference and then for days after!), and we'll be singing this! It's a great song; sing it, the tune is awesome!


In other news, today, I asked the Hitman what Romans 1:5 meant. I almost had it, but like Romans 2:13, the linguistics escaped my feeble mind's "metallic whirring trap." Had he resisted, I would have reminded him of 1 Timothy 3:2 (bishops must be apt to teach), and then asked him if he'd rather disobey the Scripture or tell me what Romans 1:5 means, but he didn't offer any resistance. Good work, Hitman! Romans 1:5:

By whom we have received grace and apostleship, for obedience to the faith among all nations, for his name;

One that brutally escaped me, was the "we." I am unsure of the ye's, the he's, and the we's, so someone will have to explain it to me. It's sort of like "but's." Very important. I'll try to ask Pastor this Wednesday. I also did not catch at all the -all nations part, one of the first distinctions of Paul's ministry in Romans. Probably the first, but I don't know.


Pastor and the Hitman said that I can't be possessed by demons, so the hideous demonic visage on my right tonsil is just "nothing." They can't see this hideous, demonic ocular sensor set inside this hideous, demonic ocular housing (i.e., demonic eye socket). (Via this post, A Very Disturbing Manifestation on my Right Tonsil.)


I guess they could be right. But...I don't know. I asked my mom to look at it today, and she said it's still there, so... I just hope it doesn't jump out and try to get anyone. I think I'm going to wear something over my mouth this Wednesday, just in case. I mean, how long does it take a demon to incubate? Can't be too long...so I can't tell when it will decide to make a run for it.


I wonder what despicably evil things it will influence me to do!